Letting Go
by 8BonnieBlue8
Summary: Just how well did the other survivors of flight 815 get to know Ana Lucia before her death? What was happening in-between her parts in episodes? Who really missed her after she died?
1. Chapter 1

_Pairings: Bana, Sana, mentions of Jana, Chaire, Shayid and Shoone. Basically it's pretty well rounded. I might even throw in some Jate (no promises though)._

_Disclaimer: Lost and the characters in Lost do not belong to me, obviously. If they had Ana Lucia and Sawyer would have ended up together (meaning she wouldn't have died)._

_A/N: Right, well one of the worst things about Ana Lucia's death to me was the fact that even in her last moments she didn't seem to find any peace, she still hadn't really dealt with any of her problems. Which to me is just plain sad. So I wanted to write a story about what could have been happening in-between her moments on screen that could show her slowly coming to accept her situation (not completely but mostly). It's also a look into just how well some of the other survivors got to know her._

_It will also be rather AU in some parts. Generally I'll be following the outline of the episodes but in some of the Flashbacks I'm doing I will have taken a lot of liberty. _

_It starts after the episode THE LONG CON and continues until after Ana's death._

_I hope you enjoy. _

. . .

**Chapter One: Cries**

Ana stared at the baby in Claire's arms as it continued to cry away like its whole existence depended on just how loud he could get those screams. She'd been sleeping until the baby's cries had eventually woken her, torn her out of the numerous nightmares of her past where and eventually drawn her out of the comfort of her own shelter; like a moth to the flame.

"Everything OK?"

Claire glanced up startled at the sound of her voice. "Oh, Ana! I hope he didn't wake you."

Ana Lucia raised an eyebrow at the young mother, clearly questioning her sanity if she thought that anyone at all had managed to sleep through Aaron's loud protests. Claire blushed, apparently realizing this.

"I'm sorry," the blonde apologised, wondering whether she would have to do the same to everyone on the beach tomorrow morning as well.

Ana just waved her comment away. "Don't be. Ain't nothing wrong with a baby crying." She meant it too, not for the first time wishing she'd been allowed to hear her own baby's cries.

Claire glanced at her doubtfully, clearly not agreeing with her statement. "He's kept me up for four nights this week. I don't know if I can last much longer."

Ana resisted the urge to snap at her that those nights were a blessing, just the knowledge that your baby was there and alive. But she knew that Claire wouldn't be able to see the constant wailing that way – she'd never lost a baby.

"Do you think he's OK?"

Claire nodded. "I was worried at first but Jack's checked him over. I think he's just growing petulant."

The Latina nodded her head with a slight smile. Her eyes strayed to Aaron's face and her heart twisted unbearably. She couldn't describe the feeling that surged through her – a strong need to hold that baby in her arms mixed with the knowledge that such an action would cause her only pain in the end. She knew that to hold a baby, any baby, in her arms would only prove to be bittersweet at the least.

The mother noticed her staring. "Do you have any kids?"

It was a stupid question really - what would she have been doing on a plane from Australia to L.A. without her kids if she had any? - and the Latina wondered just how many times she would have to answer it. "No."

The blonde didn't seem surprised by this. "Do you want any?"

Ana shook her head. "I used to. Not anymore."

Claire looked confused and hugged Aaron closer to her. The baby continued to cry. "Why?"

She shrugged her shoulders, working hard to keep her face blank. It wasn't a question she wanted to answer so she came up with something that was as close to truth as she could allow. "They're too fragile."

The blonde furrowed her brow at this but was stopped from commenting when her baby's screams got louder. She made a desperate noise and started jiggling him up and down. It was obvious that she wasn't going to be able to calm her baby, not when she was as tired and frustrated as she was now. Aaron was probably even picking up on his mother's stress and it was only making things worse.

Ana Lucia sucked in a short breath, preparing herself for something she wasn't at all sure she was ready for yet. "I can take him for tonight if you want," she offered. The words were out of her mouth before she'd even thought them through and instantly she regretted them.

Claire glanced at her in unconcealed surprise. "Really? You would do that? You realize you won't be getting any sleep?"

She shrugged her shoulders, trying to appear unbothered by the situation. Inside her emotions were in turmoil. Was she really going to do this? Play happy family with somebody else's baby for the night? _Could _she do this? "From where I'm standing it looks like you could use the hours more than me." In all honesty, Ana doubted she'd even get those hours with or without a screaming baby to look after. Her nightmares had been haunting her so far, ever since Aaron had started his screaming match four days ago, and she doubted they were going to cease anytime soon. She'd probably had about as much sleep as Claire-Bear. But there was no way she was going to tell her that.

Claire eyed her hesitantly. It was obvious she was a little cautious about handing her precious son over to someone who had killed a member of their group and Ana couldn't blame her; if that had been her son she wouldn't have let the likes of her anywhere near him. Eventually though, exhaustion seemed to win out and the blonde nodded gratefully. "Thankyou, Ana," she said, carefully handing Aaron over.

It happened so fast that Ana barely had time to register it all before a small form was settled in her arms. She nearly let out a cry of protest before biting down on her bottom lip to stop herself just in time. Aaron continued to cry even harder as both Ana and Claire worked to make him comfortable in his new owner's arms.

He was so small.

Ana closed her eyes for a moment, trying to gain control of her emotions. What the hell had she been thinking?

Opening her eyes again she held the baby closer and Claire leant back, watching her carefully, trying to make sure that she'd just entrusted her baby in capable hands. Countless hours of babysitting from her teenage years kicked in and Ana began to jiggle the baby a little like Claire had, only her movements were a lot more fluid and calm, less agitated.

This seemed to please him a little for his cries quieted but still didn't completely stop. "Shh, _bebé dulce. Pasito._" Aaron blinked up at her, cries petering away. Apparently he was stunned by the foreign voice and unusual words and it seemed to have a slightly calming effect on him.

Ana-Lucia smiled. "_Hola_ . . ."

She could almost swear she saw him smile slightly back. She grinned elatedly and glanced over at Claire, proud of her accomplishment. She was just about to rejoice when she saw the blonde slumped back on the ground, her eyes shut to the world. She was already asleep.

Ana licked her lips and glanced back at the baby, a little unsure just exactly what she was supposed to do now that she'd gotten him to be quiet. "Guess it's just you an' me now, huh, Baba?"

Aaron gurgled happily and, almost without her consent, Ana's face relaxed into a soft smile. For the first time since arriving on the island, the Latina felt content.

….

_Bebé dulce – sweet baby_

_Hola – hello_

_Pasito – quiet_

_Note that I have no experience in speaking Spanish (though I would have liked to have learnt it if it was one of the subjects my school offered) and these words have been taken off the internet. Needless to say they could very well be wrong so I apologise if that's how things turned out. _


	2. The Reason

_Pairings: Bana, Sana, mentions of Jana, Chaire, Shayid and Shoone. Basically it's pretty well rounded. I might even throw in some Jate (no promises though)._

_Disclaimer: Lost and the characters in Lost do not belong to me, obviously. If they had Ana Lucia and Sawyer would have ended up together (meaning she wouldn't have died)._

_A/N: This chapter, the plus the next one (which I've written up already), I'm a little unsure about. I don't know if I get too out of character so if I do, don't be afraid to tell me off. Anyway, I hope you enjoy and thankyou for the reviews I got, I really appreciate them._

. . .

**Chapter Two: The Reason**

Jack Sheppard hesitantly made his way towards the figure seated by the fire. It was late at night and by now most of the survivors had returned to their shelters for a good night's sleep. Jack was not one of them. There was no real reason for his insomnia – well, no real reason other than the fact that they were stranded on an unknown island, accompanied by people who, apparently, would like nothing better than to hang them from trees and steal their children, with no way of getting home – though he blamed it on the conversation he'd had with Sawyer earlier. It had been annoying – as most conversations with the conman were – and he was still kicking himself over the fact that he hadn't had a quick enough retort for one of Sawyer's many snarks about him and Kate. There was also the fact that the only guns they had on this damn island were in the 'safe hands' of said annoying man. That might have had something do with it.

Come to think of it, he supposed he did have a pretty good reason.

"Hey," he greeted, taking a seat beside the figure who happened to be none other than Ana-Lucia. She was an off-putting woman but Jack rather enjoyed her company, or at least more than he enjoyed Sawyer's at any rate, who he had reason to believe was still up and about.

She glanced over at him and Jack was taken aback by her facial expression. It was less defensive than he remembered, less bitter. In fact, dare he say she appeared rather soft? "Hey," she replied softly due to the baby in her arms. Jack glanced down at Aaron, wondering just what he was doing with Ana and where Claire was at this moment.

"Have you taken on babysitting duty now?" he asked with smile, nodding towards Aaron.

She shrugged her shoulders slightly, wincing when Aaron stirred at the action. Luckily enough the baby didn't wake though. "Claire hasn't been sleeping for nights now. I offered to take him for a little while."

Jack glanced at her face and noticed for the first time how tired she looked. There were lines under her eyes which had grown slightly red and her eyelids appeared to be drooping. He didn't need to be a doctor to know what it all meant. "You look like you haven't been getting much sleep yourself."

She looked down at the baby, avoiding his gaze as she answered. "That's 'cause I haven't."

For a moment all he could do was stare at her, stunned. He hadn't been expecting an honest reply; this was Ana-Lucia after all, she'd probably sooner die than be truthful about something concerning her health. "Any particular reason?" he asked, after regaining his bearings again.

The Latina took a breath, glanced at him briefly and looked away again. "I've got a hundred," she admitted nonchalantly. "The latest ones pretty simple, though."

He stared at her in confusion and she met his gaze, brown eyes burning. "Nightmares," she stated simply though Jack could tell that the act of admitting such a thing was far from simple for her.

He swallowed taking that in as he pondered his next move. He had an idea what the nightmares could be about but voicing that idea could very well end in her shutting him out completely; that was the best case scenario, the worst one ended with him lying flat on his back with a broken nose. The doctor winced at the imagery. "Shannon?" he asked quietly.

Ana-Lucia shifted in her position, careful not to disturb a pleasantly sleeping Aaron. "She's usually in there somewhere but no – she's not the main issue."

"And what is?" He could tell by the look on her face that he had clearly overstepped his bounds and she wasn't going to let him in any further. Ana's mouth tightened and her lips hardened. Aaron shifted restlessly.

Jack sighed and took a drink from his bottle of water. Talking to Ana about her problems was like trying to pry teeth from a caveman and Jack was no psychiatrist to boot. The fact was he had no idea what to say to her. He understood her at times – she knew the pressure of leadership just like he did – and underneath the cold exterior he knew lay a good person but, damn, she was tricky. "Why'd you become a cop?" he asked and she glanced at him in startled confusion.

"What?"

"Why did you become a cop?" he repeated simply. He figured if he was going to get anywhere with Ana-Lucia then the best place to start was the beginning. He could even try lulling her into a false sense of security and then – BAM! – start with the deeper questions. That was his plan; he had a feeling it wouldn't work.

She frowned. "Most people when they find out someone was a cop the first question on their minds is why they aren't any more. I've been asked that question a lot. Can't say I've ever been asked why I became one."

"It's a big decision – becoming a cop – it's a dangerous job," he began casually. "I'm wondering why you wanted to become one." Which was true but he was still trying to work his 'false-sense-of-security' angle.

She sighed and looked down at the baby in her arms. For a moment it looked like she wasn't going to respond but then she reached out a hand and touched Aaron's tiny fingers and her voice reached his eyes. "My mum's a cop." She paused, collecting her thoughts. "It was just me and her for most my life – my dad left when I was eight – and I can't remember much of my childhood. But I remember the nights when she'd come home late and I'd be sitting up in bed waiting for her, I never wanted to go to sleep, not until she was home."

"Why?"

She licked her lips but ignored his question. "I can still see her as she came through my bedroom door – dressed up in her police uniform, gun in the holster and she'd have this satisfied look on her face; the one I knew always meant she'd caught the bad guy. She'd sit on my bed and tell me I was safe now, that she'd done a good job and another big, bad villain was gone from the world. The kids at school thought it was so cool I had a cop for a Mum, for some it was the only reason they liked me."

"And you wanted to be just like her?" Jack guessed. He could imagine a little Ana-Lucia, positioned in front of the mirror as she tried on her mother's all too big police cap while she wasn't looking. He could see the little Latina grunting in frustration as the hat slipped down and covered her eyes – a outfit too big to fill.

"No." Ana Lucia stared out into the fire as it crackled and burned, her eyes reflecting the dancing flames. When she spoke, her voice was brittle. "I _hated_ her." The doctor stared at her in surprise but she didn't look at him. "Because there were other things I noticed too when she came through that door – sometimes she'd have cuts and bruises, others her arm was in a sling. There was this one time when an escapee at the police station sent her to hospital for a week, two bullets to her upper body. I stayed at my Abuela's and I hated it there – it smelt." She glanced over at him sharply, eyes cold. "You wanna to know why I couldn't go to sleep on the nights she stayed out late? It was 'cause I knew that that goodbye kiss she gave me before heading to work could very well be my last. I spent my whole life after my Dad left thinking that I was gonna lose her too. And I hated her for it." She sighed before her voice snarled out, "I never wanted to be a cop. I was never gonna do that same thing to my kid." She flinched slightly at the end of her sentence and Jack frowned slightly.

They sat in silence for a moment, each thinking over her words. There was so much hatred, so much conviction in Ana Lucia's voice that Jack couldn't even imagine how she had ever gotten to be a cop, not when she had hated the idea so much. "What changed?"

She shrugged her shoulders with a carefree expression, this time careful not to jostle Aaron. "I did. Or at least that's what my Mum says."

"If it wasn't you who changed than what did?" Jack asked, getting the feeling that she didn't exactly agree with her mother's view.

She sighed and reached out toward a stick, using it to poke the fire as it started to die down. She frowned, watching the flames sputter with a fascination unheard of. "The world did . . . or at least my view on it did. I used to think it was a pretty cool place – I mean, it had twinkie bars and it had porn so it had to be doing something right." She cracked a smile at him and Jack snorted; he hadn't been expecting that. After a moment though the smile faded and Ana Lucia's eyes darkened. "I haven't thought the same for a while now; everything seems . . . blacker . . . more sharp. At any moment you could take a wrong step and fall into an abyss . . . you could cut yourself on the world's edge." She looked down fondly at the baby in her arms and there was something off about her expression; it was almost sad, wistful . . . haunted. He had no idea where this conversation was heading but he had a feeling it wasn't anywhere good. "He's cute, isn't he?"

Jack startled at the subject change and eyed her carefully, wondering where she was going with this. "Yeah, yeah he is," he responded after a pause.

She swallowed and cocked her head to the side, still watching Aaron. "She's lucky to have him."

They were silent for a while, Jack waiting for the woman beside him to continue speaking, frowning when she never did. Finally he sighed and looked at her in defeat. "What happened, Ana?"

She snorted in amusement though he could see by the look in her eyes that she didn't find it very funny. "Which time?" she asked rhetorically. "A lot of things happened, Jack. The first one being my papi walking out and, well, I think we both know what the last is," she finished, glancing over at him.

Jack closed his and looked down – Shannon. For a moment he wondered what things would be like if Ana Lucia had never shot the blonde. How would the other survivors have acted around her? Would they have welcomed her instead of shunned her like they did now? The doctor nearly scoffed at the thought. They hadn't banished Sawyer yet and his bedside manners were far worse than Ana Lucia's, even if she did appear as a cold, distant person most of the time. People would have welcomed her; they may have even liked her. Jack wondered how her relationship with Shannon would have been. Would the two have gotten on? Or would they have hardly ever crossed paths?

He knew for a fact that Sayid and the former cop would have gotten on easily, they were both so much alike. They may have even been friends.

"Tell me the one that made you want to become a cop," he said finally and Ana looked away, making Jack think for a second that he had gone too far and she had no intention of telling him anything.

"I used to paint," she started after a pause, voice distant. "Drawing, painting . . . it was my passion. I used to sit up in my room for hours with a sketch book."

"What did you paint?" he asked quietly, realizing that she was going to need a little bit of probing to get through this story. For a moment he wondered whether he wanted to hear it in the first place – some things were better off not knowing.

She smiled slightly, face reminiscent. "I used to paint a lot of things. Mostly I'd look out my bedroom window though and I'd watch the people walking by on the sidewalk. I liked watching them walk by – old, young, fat, skinny – they all interested me, they were all . . . different. I liked to draw their faces, the little expressions that they'd have, and then size them up against each other. I felt like I knew them. You can tell so much about a person from their painting." She swallowed and glanced across at him. "Got any of that tequila?" Jack thought for a moment, debating over whether or not it was a good idea to hand over alcohol to someone who was supposed to be babysitting, but, looking at the woman, it looked like she needed it. He sighed and reached behind him, grabbing the bottle that he'd brought along with him.

"I was actually planning on having a bit of a drink before I ran into you," he told her, handing it over. He needed a bit of drink after today's fiasco. Sawyer must have been laughing himself silly watching them all running around blinding, accusing the wrong people.

She smirked slightly, grabbing it. "Hope I didn't ruin your plans," she said lightly, taking a large gulp from the bottle before handing it back to him. Her face twisted slightly at the taste – which wasn't all that good even for tequila standards. Jack decided not to tell her that he had found this particular bottle in the care of a family of rats. They'd been rather reluctant to hand it over and Jack swore one of them had been swaying slightly on its feet.

Jack took a swig as well before putting it away (yep, definitely not the best tasting tequila). None of them had had enough to get drunk but it might put them slightly more at ease. "Trust me, drinking in company is far better than drinking alone. One's considered a social must while the other I think is seen as wallowing away in your sorrows." His face twisted at the thought and she laughed slightly before her face grew solemn again as she remembered what they were talking about.

"I'm gonna tell you what happened, Jack, because I know you're not going to spread it around, or send me funny looks tomorrow morning." She glanced up at him. "I know you're not going to pity me." He could tell from the tone of her voice and the look in her eyes that she wasn't so much saying that she knew this was true but rather warning him that he better make it true. He resisted the urge to swallow.

"Yeah," he breathed, staring at her. Ana Lucia's expression was guarded but he could almost swear he saw a flicker of fear in her eyes. She was afraid to tell him this, he realized, and the thought made him cold. What was so bad that it would cause her to feel that way? Did he really want to know?

"Good." She shifted a little, uncomfortable. "Give me another swig," she said, reaching out a hand for the bottle. Jack handed it to her immediately, trusting her not to take too much and wanting her to have whatever she needed to feel more comfortable.

She took a sip, no facial expression this time, and handed it quickly back to him. Aaron made a noise of protest in his sleep at the sudden movement but neither of them noticed.

"I went to art school," she spoke finally. "5 o'clock, Friday afternoons, I went to art school. I didn't have a car then – I couldn't be bothered getting a licence – so I always had to walk there, unless a friend decided to drive me. There was this one Friday night I went there and I was working on this painting. It was my favourite so far, my teacher loved it." She paused, thinking on that. "Usually classes went for about an hour. When everyone started packing up and I didn't want to finish yet I convinced her to let me stay late. She agreed – she was going to be staying there anyway to work on her own piece and didn't see the harm." Her mouth twisted into a sardonic smile. "By the time I left the studio, it was getting onto seven o'clock and it was dark, really dark. I guess I must've taken a wrong turn or somethin', 'cause the next thing I knew I was in an alley and there was this guy. I . . . I took one look into his eyes and I knew . . ." The Latina glanced up at the sky and shook her head as if unable to believe any of it. "I fought . . . _hard_ . . . I think I might have even broken his nose. In the end though it didn't matter – he got what he wanted." She pursed her lips. "My Mum's partner was on duty that night, he was the one who found me. He was the one who had to call her up and tell her what had happened." She continued to gaze up at the sky and took a breath. "You know, sometimes I wonder what it must have been like for her. She spends twenty-one years in a dangerous job, trying to make a difference, trying to save the world from criminals and all that. I wonder how it must have felt that despite all that, she couldn't even safe her own daughter." She paused and glanced over at him, eyes cold and a darker shade of brown. "He raped me; that's the reason," she told him as if he hadn't already figured it out.

Jack closed eyes and glanced down at the ground. "_Jesus Christ_." He'd been right before – he didn't want to know this. He really didn't want to know this. He thought of the tough young woman before him, lying broken and bleeding on the ground as some asshole had his way with her and felt sick. Amazingly, he withheld the strong urge to vomit though.

"I was so . . . _angry_," she continued after a pause and let out a sigh, looking down. "You wouldn't believe how angry I was. I tore up the painting that I'd been working on, 'cause for some reason I held it entirely responsible for what had happened. I wanted it to pay. I wanted _him_ to pay."

"Did they catch him?" he asked quietly.

"No, they never found him." She frowned slightly. "I thought I would be OK, I thought I'd get past it and I suppose eventually I did. In the beginning it was hard though. I tried to paint again, I tried to draw but I couldn't. All I could see was his face and that alley and that was what came up when I painted. I couldn't focus on anything else and eventually I had these pages and pages of red and black water colour pictures that bled into each other; I couldn't look at them." She sighed and shifted Aaron slightly in her arms, trying to become more comfortable. "Until I got on that plane to come here, I hadn't done a single painting since I was nineteen years old."

"What happened on the plane?" he asked.

She looked over at him with a slight smile that he found out of place in their current conversation. "I met this guy and, I don't know, he reminded me a bit of myself. His life seemed to be just as screwed up as mine was. So I took out my sketchbook on the plane and I painted him."

"Why?" He couldn't understood how something so simple could help her move on from something that had been plaguing her for so many years.

"'Cause it was like seeing those people on the sidewalk again. Finally I had someone else to focus on, somebody else's problems. I didn't know exactly what they were but his eyes said enough." She laughed slightly. "Of course, then we get stranded on this stupid island and I haven't seen my sketch book since."

"Sorry." The object seemed to be a big part of her life and to just lose it like that . . . Well, he couldn't imagine it would be easy.

She shrugged. "Doesn't matter. People have lost bigger things here on this island." And he knew immediately she was thinking of Shannon. She sighed. "I became a cop because for some messed up reason that I thought I could get back at the guy who raped me by locking other people just as bad as him up. I thought it would help."

"And did it?"

Ana glanced over at him, dark eyes unreadable. "For a little while." They gazed at each other for a while and Jack didn't dare speak, he didn't want to say something he might regret later. It was a likely possibility considering he had no idea what to say in a situation like this. "I dealt with it though. I got over it a long time ago. It doesn't bother me like it used to."

"Doesn't it?" he asked, wondering just how true the statement was. After all, just before she'd been complaining of nightmares, which was what had started this whole conversation in the first place.

She squared her jaw and looked at him in defiance. "If I hadn't, I never would have been able to tell you any of this."

He decided to let the subject drop, it didn't seem worth pursuing. "Listen, I need to apologise to you about today." She raised an eyebrow at him and Jack shook his head. "I never should have suspected you of hurting Sun. You wouldn't do something like that."

"I shot Shannon," she counted. "Seems to me like you had reason to doubt me."

"Yeah but that was an accident, Ana-"

She cut him off. "Accident don't change the fact that she's dead. I think we both know that. Besides, with the things I was saying today about everyone finally being scared enough to get their asses in ta gear, even I would have suspected me."

He knew this wasn't true. If it had been Kate or any other number of people that had been saying the things she had today, he wouldn't have suspected them at all. The sad truth was . . . he didn't trust Ana Lucia. No-one did. And the knowledge hurt because he wanted people to trust her, _he_ wanted to trust her.

Aaron let out a sudden cry and Ana glanced down at him with a soft expression, smiling slightly. "Hey," she soothing, rocking him gently. "Don't you cry. _Si_?" To Jack's surprise the baby almost immediately quietened, comforted by the reminder of his babysitter's presence. Ana smiled wider as he calmed down. "_Si_."

His facial expression softened as he watched them. There was something calming about watching a woman such as AnaLucia become something that resembled a marshmellow whilst in the presence of a baby. He knew she had a fondness for children from the way she continually insisted on bringing back Zack and Emma, more so than anyone else on the island, what he couldn't understand was why. She was a tough woman to know and first off struck him as the type of person who wouldn't have time for children. It was strange seeing the maternal instinct come out in her.

"It suits you," he commented after a while and she glanced at him in surprise. He nodded towards Aaron in explanation. "You with a baby – it suits you." And he wasn't lying. Children seemed to be the only thing that softened Ana Lucia and she needed the softness. The two went together well.

There was something pained about her expression, even as she tried to smile. "Yeah, I used to think so too."

Jack frowned at the oddness of her comment but didn't question it – he knew getting anything out of Ana Lucia from now on would be near impossible. Sighing the Latina stood up, Aaron cradled against her chest. Jack knew immediately the conversation was over.

"I'm going to head back to Claire. I don't want her to wake up an' panic when she finds Aaron gone," she told him in explanation.

The doctor nodded, agreeing with the statement. "I might head to bed anyway. I'm going to need the sleep if I'm going to have to deal with Sawyer tomorrow." He grimaced at the thought. He couldn't believe Lock had been so stupid! And now Sawyer had the guns._ Great_.

Ana smirked in amusement at his words. "Good luck," she said sarcastically, turning to leave. Jack watched her go, past events turning over and over again in his head. He still couldn't believe what she had just told him. There was something too surreal about the whole statement. Most of all though he wondered whether Ana had been right in saying that she had dealt with the whole ordeal because from where he was standing he didn't see a woman who had moved on from her past.

Ana halted a few feet away and turned back to face him. Her expression was hesitant as she debated whether or not to say what she had intended. "I've been made a victim of twice in my life." She paused, allowing that to sink in. Jack waited. "Anyone ever tries to make it a third time . . . and I'll kill them," she finished harshly, resolutely, and he understood immediately that it was a warning. That if anything went wrong she was telling him then and there that he better not step in the way of her and vengeance. He just hoped it would never come to that. Living on an island with people that were fully intent on killing them however he knew it was a possibility.

"What was the second time?" he asked instead of trying to talk about her proclamation.

Something flashed in her eyes and Jack knew he had reached a topic even more sensitive than her rape.

"I don't talk about that." And then she was gone, stalking off in the direction of Claire's shelter. Jack watched her go and sighed. He couldn't say that he was overly disappointed in her decision not to fill him in; he thought he'd listened to quite enough tragedies for one night.

. . .

Sayid watch from his shelter as Ana walked away from Jack, leaving him sitting alone at the fire. Neither of them had noticed his presence or thought to look around for anyone who might be listening in on their conversation. Jack he could expect this from but Ana, who was a trained police officer, should have known better. Then again, he couldn't fault her for being distracted by the contents of that conversation and the effect it would have had on her emotions.

The Iraqi had started listening in on their conversation firstly because he'd wanted to know exactly why Ana Lucia, the woman who had killed Shannon, was in possession of Claire's baby. He didn't think the woman capable of actually stealing Aaron but he did wonder why the Australian would entrust her only son in the arms of the person who had killed his Shannon.

That was what had first drawn him in but after a time he'd actually become interested in the conversation. When Ana had started her story he had found himself unable to break away.

Sayid was unsure how to feel about the Latina's admission. He felt that any ounce of sympathy towards the brunette would be an act of betrayal on Shannon's part. Yet Ana Lucia had suffered a tragedy and to treat it as anything but would be inhumane.

It left the man with a bitter taste in his mouth, torn between his need to shun the woman and the little morals he still possessed.

In the end he decided that to attain any amount of peace on the topic he would need to understand Ana Lucia better. It was not a task he particularly looked forward to.

. . .

_Si - Yes_


	3. The Whole Truth

_Pairings: Bana, Sana, mentions of Jana, Chaire, Shayid and Shoone. Basically it's pretty well rounded. I might even throw in some Jate (no promises though)._

_Disclaimer: Lost and the characters in Lost do not belong to me, obviously. If they had Ana Lucia and Sawyer would have ended up together (meaning she wouldn't have died)._

_A/N: Once again, thanks for the reviews, I really appreciate them and even if you didn't review, thanks for just taking the time read. I'm kind of nervous about this chapter, I'm not so sure about how it turned out. So, if you could please tell me what you thought (good or bad)._

. . .

**Chapter Three: The Whole Truth (not to be confused with the episode)**

Ana Lucia watched Aaron as he slept. There was something calming about the chubbiness of his cheeks and the pinkness of his face, something innocent. She swallowed, thinking back to her conversation with Jack. A part of her couldn't quite believe she'd let down her walls long enough to admit something like that to him, the other part could hardly care less. It was done now and there was no going back. For some reason that she couldn't quite explain she'd felt the need to talk about one of the main things that had been bothering her for the past few nights, that had kept her tossing and turning in her sleep. And a part of her felt better because of it, lighter. But that didn't mean she was ready to go spilling all her guts on the table in front of Jack. She'd meant it when she'd said she didn't talk about that other time. What had happened to her when she was nineteen was one thing, she'd been hurt but it hadn't damaged her nearly as much as the miscarriage; she hadn't felt that clawing loss. Plus, the story of her rape was something she'd had to repeat many times to the police, to her mother and, after she'd met Danny and things had started getting serious between them, to him as well. Jack was just another person on the list and she trusted him to keep the information to himself. But the details of her once-baby . . . that was something she had never told anyone about. No-one but Jason. Everyone else had either already known or had been told by those close to her.

Ana Lucia didn't know if she was ready to share that one detail of her life with anyone who she didn't plan to kill. The Latina didn't know what that said about her but she had a feeling it wasn't healthy.

She looked down at the baby in her arms and her throat tightened. How lucky Claire was . . . how much Ana envied her, even more than she would ever admit to herself. She wanted to get past this but _everything_ pulled her back. She was drowning in her past and clawing her way to the surface was proving to be most difficult. Ana hated to admit it . . . but she needed help.

"Hey," a soft voice said and Ana blinked, glancing over in the direction of Claire who she hadn't noticed had woken up. The Australian still looked tired but far more refreshed than she had last night.

The Latina tried to smile."Hey."

The Australian woman sat up in her makeshift bed, eyeing the two in front of her. She nodded to Aaron with a small smile. "How was he?"

"He was good," she replied though she didn't smile in return, she was unsure whether she'd be able to. The silence between them was awkward to say the least and Ana frowned. "How'd you sleep?"

Claire smiled at the question, happy for a chance to start up conversation again. "Good. Really good actually."

"Good." Ana almost grimaced as the dreaded G word raised its ugly head again; what she wouldn't give for a Thesaurus right about now. She glanced down at Aaron who was starting to wake up and knew that his time in her arms had reached its last moments. "You want him back?"

"Yeah."

Ana Lucia bit her lip and slowly, almost painfully, reached across to hand him back to Claire. She didn't want to – the knowledge stuck out obtrusively in her mind – she didn't want to give him back. He wasn't her baby, yet she felt the undeniable to need to pretend. But make-believe time was over, time to return to the real world.

She sighed, watching as Claire took him and settled him in her arms once more. She was so lucky.

Ana shook her head, trying to dispel the thoughts. She was disgusted with herself to be honest. Since when did she become some jealous bitch who couldn't even smile at other people's good fortune? _Bitch._

"Ana, is everything OK?" Claire asked, noticing the other woman's odd expression.

Ana Lucia sighed, not looking at her. Would it help to confide in someone – someone who could understand the love you could have for a child? Or would talking about it just make it worse. She could remember her conversation with Sayid, how close she'd come to letting out her one big secret; she'd felt panicked then; panicked that someone else on this island should know about her baby. It was so much easier to pretend that the whole thing had never happened if no-one else knew. But keeping a memory like that bottled up inside of her for so long . . . it was beginning to tear her apart.

Claire would understand. Claire had a child, she would understand. She wouldn't understand the aching loss but she would know the feeling of loving another being so completely and she would understand the fear of having all that taken away.

"Before when you asked me why I didn't want kids anymore," she started, stilling not looking at the blonde. Finally she glanced up. "I wasn't telling you the whole truth."

Claire gazed at her in confusion, blue eyes searching her face for any sign of an explanation. Ana sighed, knowing this wasn't going to be easy.

. . .

". . . I wasn't telling you the whole truth."

Sayid paused, mango halfway to his mouth, at Ana-Lucia's words. To be honest, he hadn't intentionally sat by Claire's shelter to listen in on their conversation. It had been more a matter of necessity than anything – down the beach, Sawyer and Jack were in the middle of another verbal sparring, Kate stuck between them as futile peacemaker, it had been growing to be quite loud when Sayid had finally given up on eating breakfast there for the morning; Claire's place was far more quieter.

He frowned, mind playing over the Latina's words. There wasn't anything especially alarming about them but since they were coming from Ana Lucia – a woman who never seemed to have anything good to say – they did give him pause. If he hadn't made a pact to himself last night to understand the woman better he would have found a new spot to finish his mango; he really had only wanted a quiet breakfast. Regardless, he stayed where he was . . . and he listened.

"Nice mango?" Lock asked, stopping on his way past.

Sayid, in a burst of frustration, didn't have time to contemplate the man's bizarre appearance out of the hatch. He held a finger up to his mouth, signally him to be quiet. The other man raised an eyebrow, glanced at Claire's shelter, before finally making a decision and taking up a seat beside the Iraqi – curiosity seemed to have taken up priority in Lock's mind.

Sayid couldn't be bothered protesting his presence.

. . .

Claire watched Ana closely as the woman toyed with her hands as she had once toyed with a gun in the presence of Sayid but the Australian was not to know that. She didn't know exactly what the other woman was getting at but she sensed that she felt the need to unburden herself and Claire would listen with open ears, after all she owed the Latina for a night of babysitting.

Ana sighed again and glanced up at her. "I had it all once. I had the house, the job (a job that payed well and I was beginning to like) and I was engaged to this . . . great guy." She licked her lips and looked down. "Danny was a great guy. I was even pregnant," she added with forced brightness though the cheer sounded strained at best to both of them.

Claire's eyes widened at her words but Ana Lucia didn't give her time to collect her thoughts before continuing.

. . .

"I was even pregnant."

Locke nearly chocked at the Latina's words and he glanced across at Sayid to see whether he had heard correctly. If the Iraqi was at all shocked by Ana Lucia's admission, it didn't show, and Locke frowned wondering whether he actually had heard correctly.

"What are we all doing here?" Bernard asked with a jovial grin, coming up beside them. "You're starting to look a bit suspicious."

Locke and Sayid glared at him, unhappy for the interruption. Angrily, Locke gestured for him to be quiet – the last thing they needed was to be found out by Ana Lucia for eavesdropping – and confused, the man took a seat beside them. Like Locke before, he was drawn in by curiosity.

. . .

"I was fourteen weeks along when it happened," Ana said after a pause. She'd almost backed out after that last admittance, knowing that no real damage had been done yet and there was still hope of a quick escape. She'd looked to the door of Claire's shelter and felt unbelievably envious of all those who had the luck to dwell outside it. "I was a cop." She looked to Claire then, unsure whether the Australian already knew that or not. Word travelled fast around camp but still you never knew. Judging by Claire's shocked expression, she hadn't known. "And it was my last week of work. I'd already planned on going on maternity leave by the end of the month; I'd be almost five months by then and the captain, my _mother_, said she didn't want me on any longer than that." Ana Lucia blinked, remembering the argument they'd had about just how long Ana could continue work for. She hadn't liked the idea of going on maternity leave; she thought she'd be _bored_. The idea was almost comical now . . . she'd put her child's life on the line all because she might have ended up board. Looking back, Ana rather wished her mother had insisted she'd leave work earlier. "It was one job, a burglary call . . . and I didn't even _think_. . ." She trailed off staring at the Shelter's walls with undivided attention. Claire frowned. "I'd done the same thing a hundred times over and nothing had ever gone wrong. But I should have known . . . I shouldn't have let him . . ." Again she stopped, licking her lips as she tried to regain a thought pattern. "There was one guy there, he said he was a student . . . and I . . . I hesitated . . . I let him reach for his I.D . . . an I.D that never even existed."

Ana Lucia halted, pulling back from the memory with some difficulty. She didn't want to remember the sound of that gun as it went off – the resonating pop that signalled what was to come next – or the pain that reached her for a millisecond before everything faded to black. A part of her wondered why, if she didn't want to remember so much, she was sitting here recounting the whole event to some Australian chick.

"He shot me four times . . . and he got away." She swallowed and glanced over at Claire. "I woke up in hospital a week later. I don't how I survived . . . I felt myself die . . . I _did_ die . . . _twice_." She remembered blurrily the doctor's words as he explained how she had died one in the ambulance over and once on the operating table . . . and she remembered what she had told her next. Looking into Claire's wide eyes now, she saw the same question that had been reflected in her own after waking up that first time. Ana Lucia looked down, unable to meet her gaze any longer. "And my baby died as well. She didn't come back."

FLASHBACK

"_I'm sorry, Miss Cortez, but we couldn't save your baby."_

_Ana Lucia shook her head at the doctor's words, unable quite to believe them. She couldn't have lost her baby, it was fine. Her and Danny were going in for an ultrasound in a fortnight and they were going to find out the baby's sex. She was going to find out whether she was gonna have a little boy or a little girl. She had a feeling it was a girl – partly because she'd had this strange craving for peanut butter and ice-cream lately and that was exactly what her mother had experienced when she'd been pregnant with her but mostly because it was just a feeling . . . She wouldn't mind a boy though, girls were a little too prissy for her taste but frankly she didn't care either way. _

_She almost smiled at the thought. She was going to be a mum soon. She was going to have a little girl or boy to take care of, someone wholly dependent on her._

_But then reality had to come crashing down on her in the form of her mother's voice. _

"_Ana?" Captain Cortez asked and Ana shuddered at the concern she heard there. Her mother had only been so concerned about her one other time . . . "Are you alright?"_

_She gazed at her mother, questioning with her eyes whether what the doctor had said was true, praying all the while that this was all some bad dream. Her mother seemed to understand what she was asking for she closed her eyes for a moment, breathing out, before opening them up again to look her daughter square in the eye. "I'm so sorry, mija."_

_The brunette chocked, eyes dimming as the whole world came crashing down around her. This couldn't be happening . . . _

_She touched her stomach, wincing at the pain she felt there. She wanted to feel that slight butterfly flutter that she'd started experiencing not too long ago, a sign that her baby was still in there. But she felt nothing. Even the pain seemed to fade away._

"_Ana?" a new voice asked, a voice she recognised as Danny's. "Ana, baby, talk to me please."_

_She couldn't look at him, she couldn't bear to see the same pain she was feeling now reflected in his own eyes. She couldn't stand to see the accusation in his gaze as he realized, just the same as she was doing now, that it was all her fault. She had killed their baby. _

"_What was it?" she whispered barely audible._

"_I'm sorry?" the doctor asked, startled._

"_What was it?" she repeated, this time louder. Finally they all seemed to cotton on to what she was asking._

"_Mija . . ." her mother sighed. "Maybe you shouldn't-"_

"_What the FUCK was it?" she demanded, finally exploding. They all flinched but for once her mother didn't reprimand her for her language._

"_It was a girl," the doctor said finally. "You were carrying a girl."_

_Ana fell back against her pillow, suddenly drained. She wanted to cry, to scream and shout . . . but she was empty. She felt . . . empty. _

"_Get out," she whispered. She couldn't handle them there any longer, couldn't bear to see their worried faces and overly concerned voice. She couldn't look into Danny's eyes and see . . ._

_No-one moved._

"_Get out," she said again, all the louder. Like before they exchanged wary glances, unsure whether to comply with her wishes. And like before her mother was the only one to speak._

"_Ana-"_

"_GET OUT!" she screamed, anger coursing through her. At least that was one thing she could feel, one thing besides the numbness. And that was good. Anger she could use, anger was better than pain._

_Hesitantly they slowly left her bedside and Ana Lucia closed her eyes, listening to the sound of the door drifting closed. This couldn't be happening. She placed a hand to her stomach, willing the life to come back to it. What good was she if she couldn't even keep her own child alive whilst it was inside of her?_

"_Please don't leave me," she whispered, crumbling in on herself._

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Claire watched the brunette opposite her warily as she gazed off into the distance, apparently lost in another time, another place. The blonde could scarcely believe what she had just been told and her heart twisted in sympathy for the other woman. If that had been Aaron . . .

She held her son closer, suddenly scared that he might slip away from her and never be seen again.

"Ana?" she question, trying to pull the brunette back from whatever daze she'd gone into. "Ana, are you alright?" It was a stupid question really – of course she wasn't alright! – but Claire had nothing else to say. She doubted there was anything she could say. "Ana!"

Ana Lucia snapped her gaze away from the shelter wall to look at her, eyes lifeless. The look chilled Claire to the bone and she shivered with cold even though it was hot out. "I'm fine." They both knew that wasn't true.

Claire swallowed. "What happened?" she asked. "After . . . you know." She didn't say she was sorry for her loss or express how terrible it all was. Ana Lucia _knew_ how horrible it was – she didn't need Claire to remind her of that. And really, what kind of condolences would make up for what had happened? There was nothing she could say.

Ana Lucia closed her eyes and breathed out a sigh, clearly debating whether or not to tell her the truth. "I killed him."

Claire blinked, trying to feel surprised by the revelation but somehow . . . she'd been expecting it.

Ana straightened up her shoulder and turned to look at her. "They brought him into the police station and he confessed. Jason McCormack his name was. He would've gotten, I don't know, a couple of years at the most so I told them that I didn't know him . . . that they could _let him go_. And I followed him for a while, a week, until one night I got him outside a bar . . . and I shot him _six times_." Her eyes hardened. "I _needed _to make him pay."

Claire listened to the Latina's words, taking in every detail with a calm expression. She felt no shock, no disgust . . . just simple acceptance. That bastard had it coming.

. . .

Ana looked into Claire's eyes, searching, waiting for the rejection to come. The girl was a goody-two-shoes to a T and somehow Ana didn't think murder fitted quite on her list of acceptable things to do. It had been a risk, telling her that last part, but she'd needed to tell somebody, she needed to talk about her reasons . . . and she needed to know she hadn't gone completely mad. Because that's what it felt like. She felt like the whole world was spinning madly around her and if she didn't grab a hold of something soon she was going to drown in it. Nothing made sense anymore.

"I killed him," she repeated again, just in case the blonde hadn't heard her the first time.

Claire's eyes were steel. "Good." Ana blinked in surprise. "He deserved it."

"I _killed _somebody," she stressed wondering how the mother could just pass it over like it wasn't some humongous crime.

"Ana . . ." She sighed. "If I had lost Aaron I would have done the same thing." Maybe not before she'd given birth to him – back then she hadn't even known if she wanted him – but now that she loved him, loved him with all her soul . . .

Ana shook her head furiously, mystified by the blonde's apparent acceptance. "But it didn't change anything though . . . It didn't bring her back . . ."

Claire's eyes softened as she gazed at the Latina. "Ana, did you really think it would?"

She gazed at her for a moment, considering the question. ". . . No." She shook her head, sure of the answer. "No, I didn't . . . I just couldn't stand the thought of him breathing air any longer."

Claire nodded in understanding and, hesitantly reached out a hand, grasping onto the other woman's limp one. Ana startled, shocked by the contact and glanced up at the blonde with wide eyes. She had half a mind to pull back instantly, not liking the idea of anybody getting close enough to touch her, but there was something nice in the feeling . . . something comforting. Reluctantly, she realized it was something she needed.

"What happened to Danny?" she asked softly.

Ana bit her lip, remembering the man who had once held her heart. It was hard to believe that the two of them had once been so in love . . . it felt like another lifetime. "He left. After . . ." she trailed. "I just couldn't function, I barely talked to anyone, least of all him; I wouldn't let him touch me . . . Eventually he just gave up. He left."

"I'm sorry."

Ana shrugged and pulled out of her grip, sitting back on her haunches. "I'm better off alone anyway."

Claire opened her mouth to protest but Aaron found that exact same time to start another screaming match. The blonde let out a frustrated sound and Ana watched, mystified, as she soothed her baby back into silence with rocking motions and cooing sounds. Her chest tightened with the knowledge that could have been her. It had been months since she had lost her baby, yet, judging by the pain she still held, it felt like only yesterday.

"How do you do it?" she asked quietly, eyes focused on Aaron's chubby face.

Claire glanced up distractedly. "Do what?"

"I don't know, just . . ." She folded her arms in front of her chest, trying to hold herself together almost. "Go through every day . . . knowing that at any moment he could be taken away from you."

The blonde gazed at her with soft eyes and smiled sympathetically. "I don't know . . . I just . . . think about what I have now, what I have with him . . . I can't let fear get in the way of that." She cocked her head at the other woman. "Ana, even if I lose him, God forbid, I'll still have these moments to look back on. I wouldn't trade this for the world . . . even if I knew I was going to end up losing him anyway."

Ana frowned, wondering how she could think about it all so logically. The brunette herself had given up any hope of having children not only because she doubted she would ever find anyone to have them with but because she couldn't bear the thought of losing them. She couldn't go through that again. She'd die.

As if reading her thoughts, Claire sighed and grabbed her hand again. This time it didn't surprise the Latina as much as it had the first. "Ana, I know this is going to sound rather harsh but . . . you need to move on." She shook Ana's hand in empathise. "You can't keep living like this . . .You'll never find any happiness." The brunette stared at her, frowning. "What happened to you was horrible but living in the past won't fix that . . . You will get past this but to do that you need to let it go . . . you need to let _her_ go."

Ana licked her lips, contemplating the other woman's words. It was something she had been told many times before now but something she had never really taken into account. There was something different when Claire said it though, something logical, and for the first time Ana felt that maybe she would be able to do it, maybe she could get past it.

It wouldn't be easy she knew that . . . but Claire was right – she'd lived in the past long enough.

Slowly she nodded. "Yeah . . ." She couldn't manage much more than that. "Thanks, Claire." From the tone of her voice it was clear that the conversation was over and Claire smiled at her as she rose to her feet, preparing to leave. She paused mid-step however, glancing back the blonde with the little healthy baby in her arms.

"If you ever need anyone to babysit . . ." she trailed, leaving the sentence hanging. She felt better when she was with Aaron, calmer, happier . . . If she was ever going to get past what had happened than the baby seemed like a good way to start.

The blonde nodded. "I won't hesitate to ask."

Ana nodded her head, turned to leave once more and paused. Shaking her head she turned back. "You're really lucky you know that?" There was no question as to what she was referring to.

Claire smiled wider. "I know."

And for the first time since sitting down to have this conversation with Claire, Ana smiled too. She nodded in goodbye before ducking out of the shelter with a sigh, carefully making her way around its side. She nearly fell over at the sight before her – John Locke and Bernard Nadler, both looking like boys caught with their hands in the cookie jar, an impassive Sayid and, most surprising, a startled looking Sawyer, a slice of mango halfway to his mouth. Ana took one look at them and knew they had heard everything.

"You've gotta be kidding me?" The Latina scowled at them, anger and horror boiling in her blood. She couldn't believe it, the one time she took to confessing, the whole camp showed up to hear it! They weren't supposed to hear that, she hadn't wanted anyone either than Claire to know her secret, especially not Sayid. Locke and Bernard she could take perhaps take – the Hunter would most likely never mention it again and the Tailie would probably only from now on stutter in her general direction – and even Sawyer she could tolerate – he may be an ass but he wasn't a gossip as well – but Sayid? Ana couldn't take him knowing. Not only because this was so private, not something that ought to be known by someone who hated her, but also because she didn't want an ounce of his pity, if their indeed was any.

"I was just makin' me way over ta see Freckles," Sawyer spoke up in explanation, not looking the least bit guilty. Whether or not he felt guilty wasn't the issue, he probably just didn't want to get his ass kicked by her again.

Ana Lucia frowned. "Kate's over back the way you came, Dumbass."

"Alrighty then, Mama Lulu, I best be goin' that way," he said, tipping his head with a smirk, and walking off. Ana stiffened at the new nickname, now knowing for sure that Sawyer had indeed heard her conversation. Great.

She turned her gaze on Bernard and Locke, raising a questioning eyebrow.

"I need to go see Jack," Locke decided before walking away, leaving his two friends to face the wrath of Ana Lucia alone. Bernard stared at her nervously while Sayid crossed his arms, unperturbed – Ana was not a woman who could very easily scare him; the one thing she could threaten to do she had already done.

"Go," Ana said clearly, gazing into Bernard's eyes with a cold stare. "_Go_." He didn't need to be told a third time and the two watched impassively as he scuttled away in the direction of his wife.

Ana Lucia licked her lips, considering, before turning her gaze back on Sayid who met her stare head on. There was nothing she could say, she couldn't ask this man to leave, to apologise and she worried that if she opened her mouth she'd say something she'd regret later. Under the surface, Ana Lucia felt furious and . . . oddly betrayed.

. . .

Sayid gazed into Ana Lucia's smouldering brown eyes, his own daring her to speak. He knew, just like she knew, that such a thing couldn't happen. He held a power over her and would continue to until the day she died. In another life – one without Shannon – she might have beaten him to the ground by now.

She didn't move, didn't twitch, until finally she looked away and walked off, the silence hanging far too thick over them. Sayid warned himself to stay quiet, to just let the woman go, but something grabbed a hold of his tongue that day and forced it to do its will.

"Do you not have anything to say, Ana Lucia?" He called. His voice was lifeless, just like the rest of him.

The Latina's step halted and she seemed to debate whether she should just go on or turn back and give him a piece of her mind. Seemingly, she decided on the latter, swinging around and stalking towards him with fire in her eyes. Angrily, she pointed a finger at him, rage controlling her limbs like a puppeteer.

"I realize that you don't owe me _anything_," she started, voice deadly but not yet raised. "But you ever listen to a conversation that you ain't supposed to again . . . and _I'll kill you_."

Sayid stared into her eyes, unflinching. She was very nearly shaking with rage and he could just see the debate going on inside her mind – to punch or not to punch? "I don't doubt that." What he did doubt was whether she'd be able to. She may have been a cop but he'd been in the war . . . not that that had helped him save Shannon.

Ana swallowed and, without another word, turned to leave again. This time, Sayid didn't call her back.


	4. Freakin' Woman's Tryin' Ta Kill Me

_Pairings: Bana, Sana, mentions of Jana, Chaire, Shayid and Shoone. Basically it's pretty well rounded. I might even throw in some Jate (no promises though)._

_Disclaimer: Lost and the characters in Lost do not belong to me, obviously. If they had Ana Lucia and Sawyer would have ended up together (meaning she wouldn't have died)._

_A/N: This is basically a filler chapter more than anything. I felt that after the last three chapters which were basically packed with depression, tragedy and angst we could all use a little light heartedness before jumping into it all over again. _

. . .

**Chapter Four: Freakin' Woman's Tryin' Ta Kill Me**

The southerner narrowed his eyes as Ana Lucia studied his hand intently, sitting opposite him in the shelter. This was not going to be good. He could already tell.

If Sawyer hadn't believed Kama existed before then, there was no doubt in his mind that it existed now. He was inwardly praying to whatever God was up there to get him out of this hellish situation; a situation he wasn't quite sure how he had landed himself in. All the con man was sure of was that it did not look good for him.

"Ow!" he yelped as Ana Lucia pressed a little too hard down onto his bruised and cracked knuckles.

The Latina did not look pleased at his outburst and her face transformed into a concentrated scowled, pausing momentarily to smack him in the arm. Sawyer flinched. "Would you stop your whining? You're such a baby! I've tended to five year olds with a larger threshold for pain then you."

Sawyer frowned at her words – a five year old having a bigger pain threshold than him? Please! Now he knew she was crazy. He'd suspected before, of course, but now he _knew_ – and pulled back. Wrong move. Another smack was initiated and the Southerner winced.

"And would you stop freakin' fidgeting!" she snapped. "It's your own fault you're in this mess anyway."

"Ain't no fault of mine, Mama Lulu," he countered, knowing the nickname would get on her nerves. As expected, she grimaced. "'m completely innocent for once."

Ana snorted in disbelief. "So I suppose then Jack just walked into your fist?"

"See, now, you're getting it, Muchacha. The Doc's as blind as a bat. Don't know why you're so interested in him." Other than the fact that his Jack. Chicks just seemed to flock around the good doc; just his luck that Sawyer would wind up on an island with the all perfect man of mankind to contend with.

Ana Lucia just rolled her eyes at his comment. "I'm not interested in him, cowboy. He just seems to be one of the only guys on this island who isn't an idiot."

Sawyer paused to look at her with raised eyebrows. "Now I know we ain't talking 'bout the doc."

She ignored that, sprinkling some alcohol over the wounds marring his knuckles. Sawyer hissed. It only made matters worse that Rambina thought she could use _his_ alcohol for the job! Who did shr think she was?Those bottles don't grow on trees. "Jackass came running at me, anyhow, Lulu," he continued. Remembering how one of his well placed comments had set the doctor off once and for all. He supposed he should have been expecting it, after the guns and all, but he was ashamed to admit he hadn't been all that prepared.

Ana Lucia shrugged. "Doesn't matter to me who started it. The fact is it started and was a complete of time. The Others are probably watching it all and laughing themselves silly." She scowled at the thought and Sawyer wondered vaguely whether everything in her world had to revolve around The Others. He wasn't about to ask her but he had feeling that, yes, that was indeed the case. The woman needed a life in his opinion.

"So why ain't you over tendin' to our own Doctor Chuckles if he's such a friend?" Sawyer drawled. "You two seem right cosy."

"I think your 'Freckles' has already taken up that position. She didn't seem all that eager to come over here and help you lick your wounds." Sawyer glowered at her words. So Kate and Jack were playing doctor again? Suppose he should have expected it after the little stunt with the guns. Not that that made him like the fact any better.

"So you just thought you'd go all Mother Charity an' take over?" he guessed with a roll of his eyes. Out of everyone, why did it have to be little Rambina who helped him? His shoulder was still smarting from when she'd rubbed dirt in his bullet wound and after his eavesdropping that morning he had a feeling she was more than itching to finish off the job. Not that he couldn't take her.

"Pretty much," Ana responded nonchalantly, reaching for a piece of material she'd set out inside his shelter and picking it up. Bernard chose that exact moment to walk by. He paused, catching sight of the odd scene – Ana Lucia playing nursemaid to Sawyer inside the southerner's home – before scuttling off, no doubt fearing for his life. His wife's eyebrow's rose at the exchange but eventually Rose followed after her husband.

Sawyer chuckled. "Got a great way of makin' friends there, Rambina."

She scowled, took the cloth and pressed down a little harder than necessary on Sawyer's knuckles. He tried his best not to flinch. "Who says I wanna make friends?"

"Right, the whole 'I'm better off alone' thing," Sawyer drawled with a smirk. He had to admit he was enjoying this a little too much. "Now, I can see 'ow others may be better off without yah, but not really seein' where you benefit."

Ana grew silent for a time, taking the stretch of material and wrapping it around his knuckles. There was something far off in her stare, something he didn't quite like. "That's not the point," she said finally. She pressed down firmly, causing Sawyer to spring back in a mixture of alarm and pain.

"Fricken' hell, woman!" he yelped. "I'm startin' to think you're in a bit o' a bad mood."

Ana scowled and wrapped the material around his hand a second time. "What's to be in a bad mood about? I have a _private_ conversation with Claire and find out that the four boy scouts showed up especially to hear it."

"That was a mighty sob story yah got there, Chacha," he responded, not in the least empathetic. "I think good ol' Johnny Locke may 'ave even cried. _Ouch, Rambina_!"

Now it may have just been a trick of the light but Sawyer swore he saw a faint smirk touch her lips as cradled his poor hand to him. Freakin' woman had very near mutilated it.

"You're just lucky I haven't killed you already," she muttered, though, much to Sawyer's relief, her touch became a lot gentler from then on. He had a feeling she was right.


	5. Trust

_Pairings: Bana, Sana, mentions of Jana, Chaire, Shayid and Shoone. Basically it's pretty well rounded. I might even throw in some Jate (no promises though)._

_Disclaimer: Lost and the characters in Lost do not belong to me, obviously. If they had Ana Lucia and Sawyer would have ended up together (meaning she wouldn't have died)._

_A/N: __**Missy42: '"If Sawyer hadn't believed Kama existed before then..." I'm thinking you probably meant to write "Karma" here. Because Kama is a hindi word that means love or desire (you know, like the Kama Sutra). Although, if you did mean Kama right there, that would be awesome, too!'**_

_God, I'm embarrassed. Thankyou so much for pointing that out to me, I never would have realized if you hadn't. Yeah, I did mean Karma here but I see your point about Kama working as well, perhaps that _**was**_ what Sawyer was thinking! It's hard to know exactly what goes on in that guy's head. _

_**"'I'm not interested in him, cowboy. He just seems to be one of the only guys on this island who isn't an idiot.'" Now see, I might disagree with that statement. But at the same time, I could see Ana Lucia saying it to Sawyer, just to irk him.**_

_Yeah, I agree with that too. I doubt Ana would think Jack was the most intelligent guy on the island (especially when compared to people like Eko and Sayid) but she would say that to piss off Sawyer, which was what I was trying to get at. I don't have any problems with Jack though, I'm afraid to say, I like everyone on the island. Except maybe Ben – he just creeps me out. So I hope there aren't too many people who dislike Jack out there because he is a big part of this story, mostly because he has a past with Ana before the crash and because he was the first middle-section survivor to really befriend her after killing Shannon. I'm trying to make it so that a lot of the characters get their equal share though (not everyone – that would take too long to write – but most people), so that way I hope everyone will have something to be pleased about. _

_Sana is my favourite pairing though so that will of course make an entrance eventually, though I'm happy with any Ana pairing really. She seems to have chemistry with a lot of people. _

_And this is probably one of the biggest Author's Notes I've ever written so I'm going to stop now. Enjoy!_

. . .

_Set during THE WHOLE TRUTH._

**Chapter Five: Trust**

"_Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."_

_- My Sisters Keeper_

"So, Jack," Ana started, catching sight of the doctor as he finished one of his routine checks on Aaron - routine because Claire seemed to find something new to worry about when it came to her son every day. "Haven't seen you around much lately."

In fact, he always seemed to be in that hatch of his. Jack looked across at her, clearly not wanting to have this conversation. "Yeah, I've been busy. Sorry."

Ana Lucia placed her hands on her hips, coming to a standstill. Unfortunately for Jack, he was forced to stop as well as she was standing in front of him. "Busy with what?"

"Just hatch stuff, nothing important," he sighed.

Ana could tell he was lying. She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, wondering whether she should say what she had in mind next. It wasn't exactly something someone like she could just blurt out and expect a desired response from. "Do you trust me?" Really, she didn't know why she asked when deep down she knew he didn't.

Jack closed his eyes for a moment and exhaled, thinking over what to say. Finally he opened them again and nodded his head. "Yeah, Ana, I trust you." He didn't wait for her to respond though and took her silence as an opportunity to leave.

The Latina watched him go, unsatisfied. It had been the answer she wanted but, somehow, it unsettled her slightly – she had a feeling it lacked honesty. The knowledge hurt more than she thought it would, though she quickly pushed the emotion aside and drew her hair up in a loose bun. She always felt slightly more vulnerable when it was out; mostly because that was how she used to have it most of the time before the crash (when she wasn't working of course).

Ana Lucia sighed and looked off into the distance. She needed to clear her mind and back home had she done one of two things to accomplish that – running or shooting. They didn't have any indoor shooting ranges here but she could certainly run. The Latina just hoped she'd have the will to come back again. The problem with running away was that, once you started, you couldn't always find the will to stop.

. . .

Jack stared at the armoury door, mind racing with the millions of possibilities that could be going on inside. What would he find when that door finally opened? It wasn't like she'd gone in there armed, after all. Now that Sawyer had all the guns they were basically defenceless chickens. Not a very comforting thought really and he tried not to think it often.

He may have been against what Sayid and John had chosen to do when Henry Gale had first arrived but that didn't mean he was any closer to trusting the man. He'd seen what The Others had reduced the tail section survivors too and knew they were capable of almost anything. Frankly, Jack didn't feel at all comfortable with leaving Ana Locked in a room with someone who may or may not want to kill her.

"Can't hear anything," he said finally, after allowing his ears to strain for a good few minutes. The dead silence was killing him.

"She's only been in there about thirty minutes," Locke reminded him, unbothered. Well, of course, he wasn't bothered. What did he care about Ana Lucia? He didn't know the woman. The man was looking through record cases for God's sake.

"How do you know he hasn't snapped her neck, John?" Jack demanded whirling around. It was a real possibility; the hunter should at least be able to admit that. If that was an Other in there, then how were they to know exactly what he was capable of? Jack didn't want the next time he saw Ana Lucia to be at her funeral. The very thought made him cold.

Still, Locke didn't seem to realize this. The man was getting on his last nerves and sooner or later something was going to have to be done about him. The thing was, he had a feeling John was aware of this and yet still the man didn't care. "How do you know she hasn't snapped his?"

And there was that possibility. Jack would be a liar if he said it hadn't entered his mind and made him pause. Jack may not want Ana's death on his hands but that didn't mean he wanted anyone else's either and the Latina had a temper, that much he could at least be certain of. It was one of the main reasons he hadn't told her about Henry in the first place. The woman had been put through hell because of The Others and if she found out that one of them might be tucked away in their hatch, Jack didn't know what she'd do.

He sighed and ran a hand across his face. He was going to need a holiday after all this.

. . .

"Coming out!"

Jack's head sprung up at the sound of Ana's voice and he hopped off the couch. Well, at least she was still alive. That was something anyway. Resisting the urge to sigh, he headed towards the armoury door and dialled in the combination. He was almost afraid of what he would find on the other side; just because Ana Lucia was still alive didn't mean Henry was.

The door swung open and the doctor came face to face with the little Latina. The stare was awkward to say the least and immediately Jack knew that what little trust he'd won back after the Sun-kidnapping fiasco had quickly been lost.

Finally she ducked her head and walked past, Jack stepping out of the way to let her through. He couldn't see any corpses on the floor but just to make sure he made a quick search of the room for Gale. It wasn't a relief to find him – Jack was ashamed to admit that a lot of their problems would be solved if he were just to drop dead – but he was satisfied and closed the door.

"He told me the same story he told you," Ana was saying and Jack turned to face her. She wouldn't look at him, not directly. The doctor didn't know if that meant she was lying or that she was just plain angry with him; even more, he didn't know which one he preferred out of the two.

"You believe him?" Locke asked, clearly not sharing any of Jack's dilemmas; he was focused on only one thing.

"I don't know yet. I need more time with him."

Great, just what he'd wanted for Christmas. Once again, Locke didn't seem to share his frame of mind.

"He's all yours," the hunter responded, gesturing at the armoury door. Jack resisted the urge to stand in front of it and block Ana's path. She still wasn't looking at him. Locke, on the other hand, she didn't seem to have any such problem with.

"Tomorrow," she responded simply. "I want to give him some to think."

Jack watched as she made her way around the table to him and finally their eyes met. "If that's OK with you?" she asked, gaze challenging.

As much as he'd wanted her to look at him before, now Jack found that he couldn't return the favour. The doctor looked away for a moment, thinking over his response and the questions in her tone. She wanted answers for why he hadn't trusted her with this and Jack, quite frankly, didn't know how to give them to her. Finally he looked back at her.

"I didn't tell anyone, Ana." It was true, he'd wanted to keep a wrap on the whole thing. It was bad enough that Locke and Sayid knew, letting anyone else in on the secret would just be asking for trouble.

She smiled slightly, though it wasn't a pleased or a very happy smile. "No worries, man," she replied, walking past. In that short time though, her eyes had said something completely different – you should have told _me_. Because she'd trusted him enough to tell him something just as huge, if not more so, and when the time had come, he hadn't been able to repay the favour.

And, Jack remembered, he'd lied straight to her face that day. He'd said he'd trusted her, when really they both knew he never had.

. . .

"Hey," Jack greeted, taking a seat beside Ana Lucia on the couch. After she, Sayid and Charlie had returned, Gale had been sent back to his cell and Sayid and Charlie had returned to their shelters for a night of well-deserved rest. Jack had contemplated doing the same – he'd won back Sawyer's medical supplies, fixed Locke up and even figured out why the washing machine had stopped working for the past few days; seemed like his work here was done – but it didn't look like Ana was going to be doing the same thing and he needed to talk to her anyway. "Tequila?" he offered, holding up two little bottles. "It's the last of the stash."

She smiled at him slightly, tiredly. "I think I'll pass. Maybe save it for another day."

Jack nodded, trying to not let his surprise show, and placed the bottles on the coffee table.

"I had the best night's sleep I've have had in a long time last night," she told him after a pause. "I don't know if I deserved it."

The doctor looked at her, shocked by the admittance. He would have thought after what had happened that her tolerance for telling him anything personal had been used up. But, then again, he supposed there were only a number of people who she could have that tolerance with.

Jack didn't exactly understand what she was talking about but that didn't make the fact that she was confiding in him about something any less important. "Did something happen while you were out in the jungle? Something to do with Sayid?" To tell the truth, when Jack had heard about that part from Hurley he'd felt for sure he was dreaming. The idea of Sayid and Ana Lucia teaming up for anything was absurd; it was also worrying. Jack would be lying if he said that he didn't sometimes have nightmares about Sayid carrying out vengeance on the young woman once and for all.

She just shrugged her shoulders and looked at him. "Yeah."

"Good or bad?" Inwardly he doubted it would be the former.

Ana's brow furrowed though in confusion and she shook her head. "I don't know anymore."

Jack sighed and leant back in his seat; he wasn't going to get anything more on the subject out of her, that much he knew. "I had a patient once back home, he was dying of cancer and he happened to decide that on his death bed that it would be the perfect time to confess to his wife that three years before he had had an affair. "

She quirked an eyebrow. "That was nice of him," she responded sarcastically and Jack nodded his head with a slight chuckle.

"Yeah."

"Did it make him feel better?"

He frowned. "I don't know, maybe. She forgave him."

Again the eyebrow arose. "And that didn't make him feel better?"

He smiled. "I see your point. But, no, he told me that the second hardest thing that anyone would ever have to do was apologise."

Ana Lucia nodded her head and looked away. "That I can believe."

Jack stared at her for a moment. "He said the hardest would be to accept forgiveness." She didn't reply, though, the doctor almost swore he saw her flinch slightly at his words. He didn't know exactly what had gone on between Ana Lucia and Sayid in the jungle but he had a feeling, judging by her actions, that she now had a lot in common with that patient of his. Whether or not the Iraqi had gone as far as to forgive her he didn't know but after they'd returned and Jack had taken Sayid aside to ask how things had gone, the man had somehow seen right through him and assured that he held no grudge against Ana. Jack just hoped that was true.

"I was worried about you," he admitted after a pause.

She smirked slightly at his comment. "Yeah, Locke said you went a bit spazzy. Nice to know somebody would miss me if I didn't come back." She was clearly joking but Jack nonetheless took the comment to heart. Sometimes, there was a bit of truth in every joke; that was what made them so funny.

"People would miss you, Ana. I'm not saying everyone but there are people who would," he told her softly.

She just nodded her head though there was a small smile on her face. "You were right."

"About what?" he asked confused. He tried to remember something he had been right about lately and came up blank. He seemed to be doing everything wrong to be honest.

"About not trusting me."

"Ana . . ." he trailed. Jack knew they would have to get around to this eventually but he'd kind of being hoping it wouldn't be so soon.

She shook her head though cutting him off. "You didn't tell anyone, Jack, because you don't trust anyone. And that's the way it's gotta be." He frowned, not liking where this was going but she continued. "When I was in your position, when they all looked to me to lead, I couldn't trust any one of them. Because if you're going to keep them safe, make sure no-one dies, you can't afford to trust anyone but yourself, and even that's a stretch." Ana shifted in her position, pausing. "When you're in charge, you gotta think about how everything you do is gonna effect them; every choice, every decision, every lie. They don't think like that, they don't want to. And that's why you can't trust them – us." She smiled slightly at him and, like before she'd left to find the balloon, it wasn't a happy smile. "You can't trust us."

Jack breathed out, taking that in. He wanted to deny her words but when someone says something completely logical like she just had, it was hard to call it bullshit. He wanted to though, he really did. He didn't want to believe what she said. "Sounds lonely," he said finally.

"It is," she agreed before allowing a smirk to grace her lips. "But who else is going to do it?"

Jack thought about it for a moment. "Hurley was complaining earlier about being left out of the loop. Maybe I could ask him?"

Ana Lucia just chuckled and Jack knew they were OK. For now, anyway.

...

_What did you think?_

_Originally I was going to do a scene between Ana and Sayid for for this chapter but I figured the episode took care of the pretty well. _


	6. The Reality

_Pairings: Bana, Sana, mentions of Jana, Chaire, Shayid and Shoone. Basically it's pretty well rounded. I might even throw in some Jate (no promises though)._

_Disclaimer: Lost and the characters in Lost do not belong to me, obviously. If they had Ana Lucia and Sawyer would have ended up together (meaning she wouldn't have died)._

_A/N: well, OK, this is probably my most hated chapter so far. I was very hesitant about posting it because I'm not sure whether I stayed in character and also the whole Shannon and Boone thing which you are soon to find out about. I was going to cut it but it's a key element in the plot of this story so I decided against it. _

_Anyway, this is where the AU comes in and I hope you don't hate it too much._

_For those of you who like the Sana parts of this story, I'm pretty sure they'll be sharing a couple of scenes in the next chapter so at least that's something to look forward to. _

. . .

**Chapter Six: The Reality**

"_They say there are no accidents. Sometimes reality comes crashing into us. Other times it dawns on us slowly, despite our best efforts to ignore it."_

_Gossip Girl, Season 3, Episode 12: "The Debarted"_

FLASHBACK

"_I can't believe I let you talk me into this," Ana sighed as she eyed the blonde opposite her with something that was a mix between annoyance, disbelief and, as much as she didn't want to admit it, fear. _

"_Oh, come on, Annie, it'll be fun!" Shannon Rutherford insisted. She was back in L.A. after a short vacation in Seattle (a week spent there with her friend Nora) which meant lots of quality time with her childhood friend Ana Lucia, even if that so called friend almost jumped off a cliff to try and escape her presence. _

"_Exactly how many times have I asked you not to call me Annie?" Ana asked tiredly, looking at her friend in exasperation. Sometimes, times like these for example, she couldn't understand why they were friends. Shannon was selfish, social and worshiped shopping malls as though they were a damn deity; Ana was pretty much the opposite to every one of those things. Except for maybe the selfish part – she was probably a little bit of that, not that she'd ever admit it to her mother._

"_Too many," Shannon responded impassively, tossing a red halter neck top over her shoulder as she scoured Ana's closet. According to her, Ana would never wear anything decent for her date and while the Latina in question had insisted that this was not true, that hadn't stopped Shannon from deciding that she was the perfect candidate for deciding what her friend would wear. Personally, Ana didn't see anything wrong with her own fashion sense, which the blonde deemed not sexy enough, but since Shannon was orchestrating this entire thing she thought it was best just to sit and endure, hopefully then her friend would be satisfied enough not to put her through it again._

"_So, who's this guy you've set me up with?" Ana asked, leaning back on her bed. It was pink. Ana hated pink; never again would she allow Shannon to go shopping for any house supplies. Then again, she hadn't exactly allowed it since the blonde had given it to her for a birthday gift. "Please tell me it's not another idiot."_

_Shannon glanced back over her shoulder and scowled. "I really don't see what the problem was with the last twelve. They seemed fine to me. I think you're just picky."_

"_I'm not picky." At Shannon's raised eyebrow she continued in a deadpan manner. "I just want a guy who knows how to add one and two together and doesn't constantly have sex on his mind."_

_The blonde snorted and returned to her searching. "Good luck with that." She picked up a short black dress, it was nice enough but wasn't slutty enough for her taste. Shannon didn't see being a slut as a must but when it came to her friend, she thought it was about time Ana put away her nunnery act. She sighed, tossed the dress and turned back to her friend. "Look, Annie, we can worry about the perfect guy later. Right now I just want to get you laid."_

_The brunette rolled her eyes but didn't say anything. They both knew one-night-stands were at the bottom of her list of priorities._

_Shannon continued in a brighter tone. "Besides, I think you're gonna like this guy. He's name's Danny and he actually knows how to be a gentlemen. I mean, he's been in plenty of long-term relationships which proves he's not the get-some-get-gone kind of guy," she stopped and sent Ana a look, "just like you're looking for, Miss Serious." She paused and allowed herself to smirk. "Plus, I know for a fact that he's good in bed."_

_Ana raised an eyebrow, obviously reading the innuendo there, before she shook her head in exasperation, deciding to let it slide. "I don't even want to know."_

_Shannon smiled wider. "Yes, you do, you really, really do." The Latina scowled at her and the blonde returned to more serious matters. "Looks, he's hot, he's smart, he's serious, a-n-d . . . sex isn't the first thing on his mind." She smiled proudly and resisted the urge to do a little victory dance._

_Ana nodded slowly considering this. "That's nice. Is he gay?"_

"_Ana!" Shannon squealed throwing a shirt at her. The brunette ducked just in time and rolled her eyes at the blonde's behaviour. _

"_Look, I'm sorry, but I'm just really not looking for anyone to get involved with right now."_

_Now it was Shannon's turn to roll her eyes. "And when _are_ you looking for anyone to get involved with?" She turned pleading eyes on her friend. "Come on, Ana, we both know you need this? I mean, when was the last time you had sex?" They both knew the answer to that question._

"_I don't want sex," Ana sighed; they'd been through this a hundred times already._

"_Yeah and that's exactly the problem." She sighed and took a seat beside Ana on the bed. "Come on, Annie, you're twenty-three. It's been four years since it happened. Time to move on already, girl."_

_Coming from anyone else, the words would have sounded insensitive but Ana Lucia saw them for exactly what they were – Shannon's continual need to get her friend out of her self-induced depressive funk the only way she knew how. _

"_I mean, it's OK to just go for it once and a while. You don't always have to think things through so much."_

_Ana raised her eyebrows at this. "This coming from the girl who got married at eighteen and broke it off eight days later."_

_Shannon groaned. "You're never gonna let me live that down are you?"_

"_Never."_

_A comfortable silence filled the room as the two smiled at each other, lost in the memory of the time when Shannon, drunk off her high-horse, had shown up at Ana's doorstep at three in the morning, claiming that the marriage was off because her husband, Todd, refused to buy her the Pink Dress. Ana never found out what the Pink Dress was but the way Shannon always said it, she made it sound like something akin to the Holy Grail. Because of this, the Latina was rather happy she'd never come across it._

"_You know, I saw Boone recently," Shannon commented out of the blue._

_Immediately, Ana grew distracted. "Really? That's nice. How is he?"She searched around her for something to do, something that would mean she wouldn't have to meet her friend's gaze._

"_He misses you." She watched as the brunette frowned at her words. "You guys haven't spoken since the breakup which, may I remind you, was before you hit twenty. Don't you think it's been a bit long to still hold the silent treatment in effect?"_

_Ana shrugged. "I don' know, Shan. It's just weird."_

"_He loves you, you know," Shannon insisted softly. When her step-brother and her friend had started going out when they were teenagers she hadn't known quite what to think. On one hand it meant that if they ever got married then Ana would become her actual sister (a fact that Ana had bulked at, not wanting to get any closer to the blonde than she already was) and on the other, well, Shannon wanted to be the sibling that Ana spent all her time with! In short, she quickly grew jealous of their relationship, never being one known to share. _

_After they had split, though . . . it was just, using Ana's words, weird. They'd both become distant and even Ana and Shannon friendship had been put on the rocks. _

_Ana gazed at her disbelief. "I think the part where I came over and found him on top of some blonde bimbo to say the opposite."_

_Shannon waved the comment away and made a 'pffting' noise. "He was eighteen," she said as if that explained everything. "He was scared of commitment, still is really if his lack of girlfriends says anything. Anyway, if it doesn't work out with Danny, not that it won't, I think you guys should give it another shot."_

_Ana's made a face. "Gee, I'd love to trust your relationship advice but I think the last fifty or so guys are cause for reasonable doubt."_

_Shannon snorted and smacked her playfully, jumping to her feet. "That's enough out of you. I am going to get you into a relationship, married, and settled down in a nice house with lots and lots of babies that Auntie Shannon can play with."_

_Ana scowled. "Hey, blondie, you want babies get your own."_

_Shannon pouted. "But then I'd have to actually look after them. I just want them to play with. Besides, I hear childbirth is painful. No, I'll leave the popping out and taking care of babies to you and I'll just play the part of cool aunty who actually has a life." _

_The brunette stared at her. "You're unbelievable," she muttered before her face cracked in a grin. Shannon chuckled and soon the two were rolling around with laughter. _

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Ana Lucia stared at the grave, the laughter from years ago echoing around in her head. She tried to forget the memories, just like she tried to forget most of everything, but found that they haunted her regardless. When before, Ana's main memory of Shannon had been a smiling face, now what first popped into her mind was the lifeless eyes and bloodied body.

She hadn't allowed herself to cry for her friend's death, after all, what right did Ana, the one who had killed her, have to cry? If it wasn't for her, this grave wouldn't even exist, and Shannon would still be playing happy couple with Sayid, probably the only man she had ever been in love with. How cruel, that Shannon Rutherford, a woman who seemingly had everything to live for, should die and someone like her, Ana Lucia Cortez, someone who had nothing to live for, should survive. It wasn't right and Ana was aware of just how wrong it was.

Sayid's words echoed in her head. _'It wasn't you who killed Shannon, it was them.'_ But Ana still felt the trigger of the gun beneath her finger, the clapping sound as it went off, and she saw the tendrils of blood as they spider webbed their way out across Shannon's chest. And she couldn't agree with him.

In the end, it had been Ana's hand that brought the down the axe, severing Shannon's life, no-one else had done that. And she hated it.

The Latina had seen Shannon and her brother at the airport and had debated whether or not to go over and see them but had eventually decided against the idea. The friends' relationship had been strained at best ever since Ana Lucia had lost the baby, something that she'd never told Shannon of in the first place. The blonde had no idea why Ana wasn't returning her phone calls, why she had pushed her away just like she had done everyone else, and the brunette hadn't been eager to go over and explain herself.

Now though, she wished more than anything that she had. It was torture to know that the last time they had spoken had been an argument and now she was dead. Ana's eyes found Boone's grave nearby and she felt a tightening in her chest. And so was Boone.

The knowledge broke something inside of her and she fell to her knees, kneeling on the ground in front of her only good friend's grave. Was she just destined to be alone? What a sick sense of humour the world must have to decide that she should kill the only person who had ever put up with her. Ana's hands dug into the soil and she let out a chocked breath.

She couldn't cry; it wasn't right for her to cry. She had to keep reminding herself of that over and over again to make sure the stinging in her eyes didn't turn to tears. Shannon was dead because of her. And she had to accept that.

She gazed blankly at the two wooden crosses.

When Shannon had died one of Ana Lucia's first worries had been how the hell she was going to break the news to Boone when they got back to the other survivors' camp – this had been a substantial catalyst in why she had wanted to stay out in the jungle and live alone from then on. Then, through word of mouth, she'd eventually come to learn that Boone, too, was dead. She'd felt no relief in the knowledge. In fact, she'd only felt worse.

It seemed wrong that both of them were dead and Ana was still alive.

Finally a tear slipped, unbidden, from her eye and she blinked trying to keep the rest at bay. It was like a wall had finally been broken, though, and the rest cascaded down her cheeks in great big torrents. The brunette clawed further at the earth, searching for some kind of relief from the emotions. A sob tore its way out of her throat and Ana knew she was done for. It had come, the floodgates had broken and now that they had, there was no way to stop what happened next.

Finally, Ana Lucia allowed herself to cry.

. . .

Kate watched the scene in front of her, feeling enormously intrusive. She had half a mind to turn around and go back the way she came but her feet stayed rooted to the spot as she remembered exactly why she had come here in the first place. She had been sent to find Ana Lucia and, well, she had found her. Kate nearly snorted at the thought; it was a weak excuse to hang around and watch the Latina in one of her more vulnerable moments. She could always just turn around and come back later . . . but still she did not move.

Her eyes drifted to the cross that marked Shannon's grave before flickering back to the sobbing Latina. Any normal person, or at least one who had been gifted with half a heart, would have gone out to comfort her. Kate liked to think that she did have half a heart, even a whole one, but she stayed frozen, her limbs unresponsive.

She wouldn't know what to do, how to even begin comforting her and she doubted Ana would appreciate the effort either. She was one of those people who would probably rather be caught dead then be seen crying, especially by someone like Kate, a person who had only recently accused her of dragging poor Sun through the jungle.

Kate tried to feel guilty about that but it was hard to feel bad for a person who had killed an innocent woman. Then again, now that she thought about it, Shannon probably wasn't that innocent. Kate winced, guilt setting in for thinking that now.

She waited patiently as Ana's sobs died down and her eyes dried up. She wouldn't make her presence known until the woman had composed herself, for both their sakes. Finally, when it looked like Ana was getting ready to leave, Kate stepped out from her place behind a tree.

"Ana!" she called and the brunette swung around to face her in alarm.

The fact that she had been crying was painfully obvious. Although the Latina had wiped at her cheeks until they had turned red, they still bore salty water stains and her eyes were puffed up and red. Perhaps it would have been better to just go and come back later.

"What?" Ana asked finally, crossing her arms. Kate had the distinct feeling that she wanted to turn her back and run rather than face her after what had just happened. Kate would have felt the same way.

"Jack's looking for you," she told her, trying to smile though failing miserably. She made a face. "Something about Vincent running off with what was left of the tequila . . ." She shook her head in confusion. "I think the drift is he wants your help, though."

Ana stared at her a moment, clearly trying to pull her mind out of the dark pit where it had just been and catch up with what she was saying. "Right . . . uh, thanks. I'll go see him." Despite her words, though, she didn't move. Kate wasn't surprised. She had a feeling it would be a little while before the Latina went to find Jack. She would most likely want to clean herself up and make sure she was back to her stellar self first, just so Jack wouldn't ask too many questions.

Accepting this, Kate turned to leave but stopped mid-step. She shook her head, making a split second decision before turning back to face Ana Lucia. "Are you OK?"

Ana gazed at her for a moment, expression blank. "Yeah, I'm fine." She walked off without a backwards glance and Kate stared after her in a mixture of concern and puzzlement. Oh, well, at least she'd tried. Giving up and shrugging her shoulders, she turned and left, leaving behind Shannon's grave and all the pain that went along with it.

…

_A/N: So, was it awful? I'm always hesitant about making such a strong character like Ana Lucia cry but since we did see it happen in one of the episodes I figured it wasn't totally out of the realm of possibilities. _


	7. Issues

_Pairings: Bana, Sana, mentions of Jana, Chaire, Shayid and Shoone. Basically it's pretty well rounded. I might even throw in some Jate (no promises though)._

_Disclaimer: Lost and the characters in Lost do not belong to me, obviously. If they had Ana Lucia and Sawyer would have ended up together (meaning she wouldn't have died)._

_A/N: Right, well, basically this is a pretty sucky chapter and like the last one I was iffy about posting it. I also think I get a little out of character with Ana Lucia in her Flashbacks, though it was kind of intentional because I don't see her as the tough-as-nails woman she is in Lost before she got shot. I tried to make her happier and more fun but I don't know if I over did it. It's had to make a character like her softer and not go completely out of canon. Anyway, tell me what you thing (good and bad), so I know where I go wrong or right. _

. . .

**Chapter Seven: Issues**

Charlie took in a breath, preparing himself. It had been a good while since the 'incident', as he had taken to calling it, and he figured now was as good a time as any to make a move. After all, if Sayid could forgive Ana Lucia for killing the love of his life – as he so seemingly had, though Charlie still had his doubts – then Claire should be able to forgive him for trying to _save_ her son's life (not that anyone saw it that way).

The young mother was currently seated on the sand by herself, studiously trying to feed Aaron tiny bits of mango. The baby didn't seem to be appreciating the effort.

"Hey," Charlie greeted, hands in his pockets, as he stopped in front of the pair. He smiled.

Claire looked up at him but didn't smile. "Hello, Charlie."

"So, um, how are things?" he asked. "Aaron doing alright?"

The blonde frowned. "Look, Charlie, I know you want to talk but I'm sort of busy right now."

Charlie's spirits fell. "Oh, alright then. Maybe another time."

She didn't look convinced. "Maybe."

Charlie watched dejectedly as she rose to her feet and walked away, Aaron placed securely in her arms. She was never going to forgive him. She would never understand that he had just been trying to save Aaron. He sighed and watched her go.

His eyebrows rose in surprise as she stopped in front of Ana Lucia who was determinedly sharpening a stake with such brutality that Charlie almost felt sorry for the poor stick. Claire smiled in greeting and the two exchanged a few words before, much to his horror, she took a seat beside the brunette. _Ok, Charlie boy, it's not that bad. They can talk. Just because she prefers the crazy woman's company over yours doesn't mean anything. _His expression deepened in disbelief as he watched Claire hand over the baby to a surprised but not at all unhappy Ana Lucia.

"Unbelievable," he muttered. You just knew something was wrong when a mother decided that her son would be safer with a murderer than with the guy who had basically been there for her since day one. Clearly, something was being added to the water; it was the only explanation.

. . .

Ana spared a glanced at Charlie who was marching off in the other direction, head hanging forlornly. She almost felt sorry for the poor guy. Sure, he'd been nothing but a little bastard to her when travelling to find Not-Henry's balloon but then . . . she deserved it didn't she?

She looked back over at Claire who was pointedly ignoring Charlie's presence in her life. The whole thing kind of reminded her of her and Danny. Sure, the guy had never tried to drown her kid but she had pushed him away just like Claire was doing right now. Danny had always been the kind of guy to always be there for her, though, and it had taken him a while to get it through his head that she didn't want him anymore, didn't want anything to do with her old life. Charlie was being just as stubborn as Danny had been but just like Ana's ex-fiancé, she had feeling it was only matter of time before he gave up.

Claire would probably be happy when he did until, like Ana, she realized what exactly she had lost.

The Latina sighed, unable to believe she was actually going to do this. She wasn't one to meddle in other people's lives and she hardly ever cared just how badly they were fucking them up. But she liked Claire, as strange as that was, and she didn't want her to make a mistake. Well, she had told Sayid that she'd given up on trying to make people like her – this certainly wasn't going to make Claire like her any better. "He seems pretty sorry, you know."

The brunette glanced down at Aaron, searching for an escape goat so she could keep avoiding Claire's eyes. She'd been happily surprised when the blonde had decided to sit down next to her and even more so when she had handed off her precious bundle of pink chubbiness. Now she had a feeling she'd be giving the baby back soon as Claire was sure not to like the conversation coming.

"He should be sorry," Claire muttered, taking a bite out of one of her mangoes. Ana Lucia had never been one for variety but, God, she was getting sick of all these mangoes. What she wouldn't give for a hamburger, just one.

"Yeah . . ." Ana didn't disagree with that. If it had been her baby she probably would have crucified the guy. "Maybe you should think about givin' him another chance, though."

Claire glanced at her in disbelief. "He tried to drown Aaron. He's a druggie. I don't want him anywhere near my baby!"

The brunette shook her head. "I'm not sayin' that. You keep him as far away from Aaron as you see fit, for all I care. Just sayin' maybe you should start to spend some time with the poor guy again, see how he's doin'. Who knows, you might like what you find."

The blonde still didn't look convinced, in fact, she looked about ready to bite Ana's head off.

"Look, we're on a frickin' island here. You're not about to find many guys who care like Charlie. He made a mistake, but I've heard the others talkin', he's done a lot for you." Including getting himself hung from a tree.

Claire pursed her lips and reached across to take Aaron back from the Latina. "Thanks for your concern, Ana, but it's really none of your business. Besides, it's not like you exactly have the best track record with relationships."

Ana watched as the blonde got up and stalked away in a huff and shrugged her shoulders, unbothered by the outcome. At least she'd tried and she doubted the girl would stay angry at her for long. All she had to do was give her a chance to cool down and they'd probably be sitting around the campfire doing sing-alongs in no time. And even if it didn't turn out that way it would probably be for the best; after all, the last friend Ana had now lay six feet under. Claire was better off without her.

FLASHBACK

"_God, I can't believe you're getting married!" Shannon gushed the moment she stepped in the door. Ana Lucia blinked as she let her in, surprised by the unexpected visit. Sure, she had told her friend over the phone what was going on but she hadn't expected her to come right on over. Even more surprising was the person who followed her in._

"_Hey, Ana," Boone greeted with a small smile._

_Ana grinned back; it had been years since the last time she had seen him. "Hey, yourself." She closed the door behind them. "Nice that you finally decided to stop by."_

_Shannon rolled her eyes at the remark. "Yeah, he heard you were engaged and started jumping up and down like a chicken who'd just been told the sky was falling. I had to bring him along." She said the last part as though it was a real pain and she was apologising for the inconvenience. The Latina laughed while Boone blushed in embarrassment in the background. _

"_Shannon!" he hissed._

_She looked back at him in faux innocence. "What? You know it's true."_

_Now it was Ana Lucia's turn to roll her eyes as she took in the two siblings and their constant rivalry. Time was they used to be like two peas in a pod but ever since Shannon's father had died and her step-mother, Sabrina, had cut her off things between them had taken a turn for the worse. Boone still liked to follow after her like a puppy dog when he got the chance but Shannon seemed to have decided that his company wasn't worth the effort._

_Ana knew about the conning her friend had been doing and was hesitant in letting it go on – she knew it would only end badly. It wasn't the fact that Boone was losing money that made it so bad but the fact that he was continually being betrayed by the one person he trusted above all others, the one he held up on a freaking pedestal. Still, it was her friend's choice and she was aware the blonde would never learn from her mistakes if they didn't have a chance to actually become mistakes first. She was going to have to let this play out._

"_As true as that may be, I'm still waitin' for my hug," Ana spoke up, deciding she had let the staring contest go on long enough. She grinned and opened her arms up in invitation._

_Shannon smiled and ran at her, having to bow down so she was actually level with the shorter woman before pulling her into a hug. Ana hugged her back with a smile, happy that she at least had this one friend. After the blonde pulled back, she turned to face Boone and paused. After not seeing each other for so long it was hard to know just how to act. Should they hug? _

_Hesitantly, Boone stepped forward with a small smile and pulled her into a warm hug that reeked of safety and their childhood years. Ana sighed and buried her chin in his shoulder. There was nothing that could compare to the feeling of being back in his arms again. Whilst her feelings for Boone had long since evaporated he had always been her friend, much like Shannon, and the past few years without him had been hard. She'd needed him back when she was nineteen and 'it' had happened but she had been too scared to call and he had been too scared to come. Now, it was good to have him back. _

"_Missed you," she murmured into his shoulder. Boone didn't reply but only held her closer as though he was afraid she'd slip away if he didn't._

_Shannon, in all her glory, broke the moment. "Wow, this all incredibly touching and all, but we've got a wedding to plan, people!"_

_Smirking, Ana pulled back and rolled her eyes at Boone; typical Shannon. She sighed and turned to face the blonde, preparing herself for the coming horror._

"_The wedding's not until next year, Shan," she told her. Shannon didn't seem to get her point though._

"_Exactly! We don't have much time," she stressed before breaking out into a grin. "I can't believe you're getting married. And to somebody _**I**_ set you up with no less!"_

_Ana rolled her eyes again and took a seat on the couch. This was going to be a long day. "Yeah, yeah, Blondie, soak it up."_

"_But, seriously, _I'm_ the reason you're getting married. Me." _

_Ana huffed. "That also means you're the one who can be held responsible for any depression if we ever get divorced. You'll be payin' for my councillor, I'll have you know."_

_Shannon waved the comment aside and Boone smirked in amusement. "Oh, boo. You're not going to get divorced. You're going to have a happy marriage and lots and lots of children for me to play with."_

_The Latina gazed at the younger woman with a raised eyebrow. "I just love how you seemed to have mapped out my entire future for me. Tell me, is there room for winning the lottery in that future of yours?"_

_The blonde just grinned, not rising to the bait. "Yes. Five times."_

_Boone snorted and took a seat on the opposite couch. He had a feeling he wasn't going to be needed in this conversation._

"_Now," Shannon continued without delay. "We need to start looking for your dress. As well as one for me since I'm going to be your Maid of Honour."_

_Ana nearly chocked at the assumption. "What makes you think I'm going to be making you my Maid of Honour."_

_She just grinned, brighter than ever. "'Cause I'm your best and only friend."_

_The brunette sighed and leaned back in her seat. "You just had to put in the 'only' in."_

_Shannon ignored this and Boone smirked in the background. "Now, I'm thinking pink dresses for myself and the only bridesmaid, which will of course be Boone."_

_The man in question chocked. "What?"_

_Ana scowled. "I'm not having pink at my wedding." She apparently didn't have a problem with Boone being her bridesmaid though. _

_Shannon scowled and placed her hands on her hips, gazing defiantly back at her friend. "You're going to have pink at your wedding."_

"_I'm not going to be a bridesmaid!" Boone protested, not at all caring about whether there would be pink or not. They ignored him._

"_No," the Latina said firmly._

"_There is going to be pink."_

"_No there isn't," Ana denied strongly, glaring at Shannon._

"_Yes there is." One would think it was _her_ wedding they were planning for._

"_And no way am I wearing a dress," Boone continued._

"_No there isn't."_

_There was a knock on the door and all three heads swung around to stare at it. Sighing, Boone rose to his feet to go answer, already knowing that Ana and his step-sister would prefer to continue their debate instead. True to his thoughts, the two started up again, drawing closer as they furiously fought for their own will._

_Boone shook his head and pulled the door open. He immediately wished that he hadn't. Teresa Cortez stood on the other side, face its usual expression of grim. He inwardly swore; Ana's mother had hated him from day one, the fact that he had cheated on her only daughter only added to the fact._

_Ms Cortez pursed her lips upon seeing him, clearly not happy. "Hello, Boone."_

_Boone ducked his head and stuttered like a schoolboy. "Ms – Captain Cortez." He wasn't exactly sure which one she preferred._

_Both Ana and Shannon exchanged a look, having given up on their debate for now. _

"_What are you doing here?" Ana asked as her mother came in the door, Boone closing it behind her with a grimace. He'd been hoping to avoid her mother during his stay in L.A._

_Captain Cortez frowned. "I'm here because I had to find out from Officer Ragg that my _daughter_ is engaged." She crossed her arms and gazed at Ana with a look that clearly read I'd-like-to-see-how-you-talk-your-way-out-of-this-one._

_The three young people shared knowing looks – it was definitely going to be a long day._

_END OF FLASHBACK_

"Well, howdy, Mama Lulu," a voice greeted, stopping at her place in the sand.

Ana flinched at the nickname and resisted the urge to snap at him. It was hard hearing a constant reminder not only that Sawyer knew about her secret but that that secret also existed in the first place. Strangely enough though, it was kind of a relief to finally find someone who wouldn't tiptoe around the subject but would rather parade it around as though it was nothing to be concerned about. It helped. Ana had a feeling Sawyer knew that only too well.

"What do you want, Sawyer?" she bit off. The guy had hardly spoken to her since she'd found him, Locke, Bernard and Sayid outside Claire's tent. Since then, Bernard had been avoiding her like the plague, Locke had taken up more of an interest in her, and Sayid had not only agreed to go on a massive trek through the jungle with his lover's killer but also, at some extent, to forgive her. Sawyer had just remained plain Sawyer, though he seemed to be smirking a lot more if that was at all possible.

"Just wonderin' what's got Mamacita's panties all in a twist. You say somethin' insultin'?"

Ana resisted the urge to smack him upside the head. "Depends on your idea of insulting. I didn't start calling her stupid nicknames though."

The Hick raised a hand to his chest in mock pain. "You wound me, Chicka."

Ana Lucia rolled her eyes and inched away as he plopped down on the sand beside her; just the kind of company she was looking for. If she hadn't been convinced before that somebody up there hated her then she certainly was now. "Good."

"Well you really ain't in a good mood today, are yah?" he responded with a smirk and Ana scowled at him.

"Fuck off, Sawyer."

His smirk widened. "Love to, Chika. But got a feeling if I do I'll run in ta Freckles an' the Jackass, two have been hangin' off each other all day and it's startin' to make my stomach turn."

Ana returned his smirk; it was no secret that Kate spent most of her time dancing between the two men and it looked like those men in question were beginning to notice as well. "Jealous, cowboy?"

"Nah. Just a bit sickenin' is all." He gazed at her, not dropping the grin. "How 'bout you, Mama Lulu? You seem to be spendin' a bit o' quality time wiv the doc, you jealous?"

Ana snorted at the question. While she may have been interested in Jack before the crash and, hell, even after she just couldn't really see it going anywhere. That wasn't to say she didn't get the slight butterflies in her stomach when the two of them touched or when one of them said a comment that had bit of innuendo attached to it but she really wasn't looking for a relationship at the moment and like Sawyer had said, there was always Kate. "I think that ship sailed a long time ago."

"Ah, but there was a ship in the first place, was there?" God, she wanted to punch that smirk off his face.

Ana pretended to think about it for a moment. "Not really a ship, more of a boat, if that. Maybe even a raft."

Sawyer chuckled and he raised his water bottle to his lips. "I hear yah, Chicka."

She smirked across at him before snatching the water bottle out of his hands and taking her own sip. She did it more to annoy him than because of any real thirst but it seemed to have the opposite effect. Sawyer just shook his head, eyes twinkling in amusement.

"So, this guy, what's-his-face? Danny?" Ana stilled at his words but the Southerner didn't seem to take notice. "Need me ta kick his ass for yah when we get off this damn island?"

FLASHBACK

"_What about this?" a voice asked, breaking into Ana Lucia's thoughts as her eyes combed her surroundings uneasily. She was in a store and it was . . . There were no words to describe how terrifying it was. All she could see was . . . pink. Everywhere. Up the walls, across the ceiling, even the carpet had its own special shade. The whole thing made her almost want to throw up._

_When she'd agreed to go baby shopping – not to be confused for actually shopping for different kinds of babies – she hadn't expected to find herself in a place so pink. Danny didn't seem to mind which brought forth the earlier question of whether or not he really was gay._

_Ana glanced across at what he was holding up – surprise, surprise, a cute little pink dress. The cop's stomach did summersaults, a true testament that the kid inside was not pleased. "Hell, no. It's pink."_

_Danny sighed. "Yes, Ana, that is generally what baby girls where."_

_Ana scoffed and crossed her arms. "Not my baby. And besides we don't know it's a girl."_

_Now it was Danny's turn to cross his arms. "Weren't you the one who was announcing that, for sure, we were having a girl, no doubt?"_

_Busted. "Yeah, but what if it isn't? We'll have messed the poor kid up before he can even walk straight." She shifted her weight to the opposite foot and gazed up at him defiantly. "Now I don't know 'bout you, but I think that's just bad parenting."_

_Her fiancé shook his head in amusement and turned away, placing the dress back on its wrack. "Whatever you say, Ana." He turned back and swung an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his chest. Ana smiled and snuggled up. She wasn't really one for the public displays of affection but there was something about Danny that just made her feel so safe and tingly all over. She didn't mind showing the world that they loved each other, though at times it did seem a little mushy for her taste. "I think we're gonna have to find a new store though if we're going to be getting any clothes at all, everything in here is pink," he continued, glancing around._

"_How 'bout we just go look at toys," she suggested, curling her nose in disgust at the thought of trying to find a store that didn't have so much pink in it. "Bit of a waste of time looking for clothes when we don't even know the baby's sex yet, anyway." Not to mention the fact that Ana had never really liked shopping for clothes in the first place._

_Danny smiled and pulled her closer. "Admit it, you just want to search through the toys so you can find something for yourself."_

_Ana laughed. "Maybe just little. I like video games better though and I'm expecting to get a whole bunch for my birthday this year."_

_He nodded and kissed her forehead. "At least that's better than your last request. Do you know how weird it was shopping for that gun you wanted last year; there were all these guys with tattoos staring at me funny. I felt for sure some guy was going to make me his butt-monkey."_

_Ana Lucia rolled her eyes, undisturbed. "That's 'cause you went into all the stores that I specifically told you not to go into. You even went into that one that I said was under surveillance 'cause of drug dealing."_

"_See, now I thought that was the one down the street."_

_She snorted. "Though, I have ta admit it was pretty funny when one of the rookie cops pulled you into the station 'cause he thought you were the big drug dealer we'd been after all year long. Broke the poor kid's heart when he found out you were just my dumbass boyfriend." She poked him in the chest and he winced. _

"_Hey, you love this ass! And, anyway, I finally got you the gun didn't I?"_

"_Yeah, yeah, but let's just stick to video games this year OK, babe?" She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek as they made their way out of the stupid pink store. _

_He rolled his eyes and moved his arm to wrap around her torso instead, hand positioning itself protectively over her stomach. Ana felt a rush just thinking about what rested beneath that skin. Their baby. It was all just too surreal. "Whatever, Ana. But I really think you're gonna have your hands full planning this wedding with Shannon and taking care of that baby of ours. I don't think you're going to have time to play video games."_

_She shook her head and poked her tongue out at him. "Nah uh! You're the one who's goin' to be takin' care of this baby, fiancé o' mine. I'm doing my due by carrying it and poppin' it out, you can do the rest. And, hell, since you're the one who fucking proposed to me, you can deal with the Shan-Monster as well. No way am I planning this wedding with her." She scowled in disgust at the mere thought. "Do you realize she's tryin' to bring pink into it?"_

"_She _is _Shannon," was his only reply to which Ana only grumbled. She looked down at her stomach and placed a hand besides Danny's. In just a few months time she'd actually be able to feel the baby kick, real evidence that it was there._

"_Don't worry, baby, ain't goin' to let that blonde-pink-wearin'-monster near you. Mummy's gonna take care of you," she promised to which Danny laughed and pulled her to him for a kiss. Life was good._

_END OF FLASHBACK_

The Latina shrugged, trying to appear unbothered by the topic. She could still remember faintly what it had been like to be in love with him. But only faintly. There used to be a time when they existed for each other but after they'd lost the baby neither of them seemed to be able to remember that time. Somehow, there had only ever seemed to be the baby; Ana couldn't see anything before then and she was having trouble making out everything that came after. Life was a blur of unimportance outside those few months of pregnancy and Ana Lucia didn't know how to change that. "That's assuming we do get off this damn island. And no – I don't need you to kick his ass. Danny's a good guy and besides, if there was going to be any ass-kicking, then I would be the one doing it."

Sawyer chuckled. "Oh, I know, I just thought we could go a little easier on the guy. You don't exactly hold back much, Muchacha."

Ana rolled her eyes at his words. "That's the point, cowboy."

"Yeah, yeah, Chacha," he responded, stealing the water bottle back.

They sat in silence for a while, watching the going-ons around them. Sometimes Ana wondered how they did it, the other survivors, how they continued to go on as if nothing had happened, as if they weren't stranded on some island in the middle of nowhere. She wondered how they could play poker, hold tea-parties (without the actual tea) and basically still just have fun. Most of all, she wondered why she couldn't.

She glanced across at the hick beside her. He was an annoying man at best and most of the time she couldn't stand the thought of his company but there was something about him that made her feel like less of an anomaly. And she was thankful for that.

"Thanks," she said suddenly, tearing Sawyer out of his respective thoughts. For a moment he looked like he couldn't quite believe her words and, to be honest, Ana couldn't quite believe them either.

"What the hell for, cupcake?"

She shrugged, suddenly uneasy. It was one thing to thank the guy, it was another thing altogether to explain why. Not to mention the fact that his ego was already two countries too big.

"Everyone's always tiptoed around . . .'It'," she trailed off, not knowing quite how to continue. She was hoping he would get it from that short sentence though it was doubtful – the thing was so open-ended. Ana wasn't ready to talk about what had happened with Sawyer of all people so she certainly didn't want to put anymore explanation into her words. To her relief he did get it, and get it well.

"Ah," he breathed, leaning back slightly. "Way I see it, Chicka, each to their own issues an' all. Can't spend your whole life tiptoein' around 'em." He glanced around the camp as the Latina took that in. "Ever notice how we got the most messed up crew o' expeditioners 'ere? Why, they could set up a psych ward just for the bunch o' us. Damn irritatin' if you ask me."

She raised an eyebrow at him in question and Sawyer proceeded to point out exactly what he meant with those around them. His first gesture landed on Hurley. "Food issues," he said with a shrug before pointing to Jack. "Daddy issues." Jin and Sun came next, the two smiling lovingly at each other and Sawyer shook his head in disgust. "Couple issues." Charlie walked out from the bushes, followed by Locke (odd, since the two seemed to hate each other), presenting the Southerner with his next two victims. "Drug issues and faith issues." Ana rolled her eyes and sat back, preparing herself for a long speech. Claire was next as she fawned over Aaron in the distance. "Baby issues." They watched as Libby went over to talk to her and the two broke out into laughter and smiles. "Woman's a shrink, enough said," to which Ana only snorted. Finally his pointer finger settled on Kate who was flirting with Jack and Sawyer paused, raising his eyebrows, "Every issue," he finished and Ana had to choke back a laugh.

He turned back to her and frowned mockingly. "I mean, couldn't they 'ave just let a few normal folks on to that plane o' ours? Seems to me like they're just askin' for trouble."

"And what about you, Sawyer?" she asked, turning her gaze on him. "What issues do you have?"

The southerner just grinned. "Who me? Don't got no issues, Lucy. Me, I'm perfect."

Ana Lucia scoffed at that and turned away; arrogant asshole.


End file.
